Robotic Indifference - Robotic Disengagement

Invalidation "Robotic Disengagement" and "Robotic Indifference" "Robotic disengagement" is a term used by some people who are giving advice to parents, such as New Zealand psychologist Nigel Latta. Latta and others advise parents to show only "robotic disengagement" to their children's and teenagers' feelings. This is one of the most worrisome things I have come across in a long time, and much more worrying since someone like Latta is not only a practicing, liscened psychologist, but a nationally known one with his own television show and several books for parents. Equally or perhaps more worrying is that someone being promoted as "Australia’s leading parenting educator," Michael Grose, is also using the term in the same way. (See below) Feeling curious to see who else might be using this term, I turned to my friend Google. In the first search I did, I mistakenly searched the term "robotic indifference", but the results were still interesting and informative. For example, one of the first results was the sign-in screen tells me, with cold robotic indifference , that my email or password is invalid, please try again. That was interesting because it ties right inn with the subject of invalidation, an important area I am afraid many people are undervaluing in creating humane, empathetic and emotionally healthy members of society. Then I found this: Everyone does not accept authority, especially if it's delivered with robotic indifference. Since I was the senior officer on the floor that... This turned out to be from a very interesting story by a former jail warden. Please take the time to read it.... When time permits I hope to continue my Googling with the term "robotic disengagement." (See below) S. Hein Wanaka, New Zealand March 11, 2011	Core Components of EQI.org Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional Intelligence \| Empathy Emotional Abuse \| Understanding Emotional Literacy \| Feeling Words Respect \| Parenting \| Caring Listening \| Invalidation \| Hugs Depression \|Education Personal Growth Search EQI.org \| Support EQI.org EQI.org Library and Bookstore
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Robotic Disengagement May 2012 The first result today for this term led to the site of M. Grose, mentioned above, the person who is being promoted as "Australia’s leading parenting educator."
Grose is quoted on a promotional flyer as follows: Use robotic-like disengagement when faced with an angry, upset or tantrum-throwing teenager. Remain removed and dispassionate no matter how much a teenager acts up. parents "follow the rules of robotic disengagement:"which include these 1. Refuse to respond to verbal taunts or challenges. 2. Stay calm, even aloof. Stand your ground and act as if this behaviour is not new to you. He also advises parents to be emotionally dishonest, though he doesn't cal it that directly, when he says this Act like the confident parent, even though you may be quivering inside A more emotionally honest response would be to tell your son or daughter specifically you are afraid of or worried about, or how you are feeling, in an emotionally literate way. Showing understanding and following the principle of "seek first to understand, then to be understood" will also help your son or daughter feel more cared about, understood and respected. Grose, to his credit, does recommend a parent limit how much they say. He also emphasizes the importance of a good relationship with your child or teen. Showing caring, empathy and understanding, all ways to earn respect, will bring much better long term results towards this goal than acting like a robot.
Can You Respect a Robot? Many people believe that mutual respect is a fundaental requirement in our human relationships. Can you respect someone who has the feelings of a robot? Or, in simpler terms, can you respect a robot? I suspect that you cannot. I suspect that to really respect that person, they must show you their human side. And of course they must allow you to show yours, and to care how you feel. So there seems to be a basic problem between showing robotic indifference and earning someone's respect.

I remember a several-month stretch when I was assigned to the floor where our ding dongs were housed. Remember, ding dongs is my term of endearment for those who don't have the wherewithal to exist in society in a normal manner. I won't get into semantics over the definition of normal. We all have our moments, but these guy's elevators really don't go to the top. Some of the problem has been fostered through genetics, but most of them exist the way they do because they sniffed too much paint in their lifetimes. Either way, they broke the law in one form or another and have temporarily become one of our guests.

Remembering that these guys need to be handled a little differently than the general population of inmates is the secret to surviving the duty assignment on this floor without becoming a casualty yourself. I was always fearful that the illnesses could somehow rub off on me in one way or another. Maybe it did... Great, just add it to my PTSD.

I will give an example of handling just three of the different classes of inmates who have broken the same "house" rule. I'll make it simple. Let's say that the inmate was sitting on one of the tables. It's not allowed for many reasons. Providing fodder to screw with inmates is not one of them, just so you know.

Inmate who is a newbie or unsophisticated: Firm and direct works best. "Off the table, bud." They usually respond quickly.
Inmate who has spent a lot of time in prison: Respect means most. "Let's not sit on the table, sir, it makes me look bad to the man." They usually will answer with something like, "Right right", and then slowly get off the table.
Inmate who has mental deficiencies: Circumlocution (talking in circles) works great. You kinda need to get to know their individual behaviors, but something like this usually is effective. "Hey sport. How we doin? Y'know, sitting on that table means I have to go write a report and that means the nurse won't get to pass out the meds on time. If you get off, I can go let her know." Now, not only does he get off of the table, the whole pod won't sit on the table for two days for fear that they won't get their meds on time.

With that background in mind, I need to share the following story with you. An inmate who had threatened one of our newer staff members with bodily harm had been pulled out of the pod by numerous responding officers while I was at lunch. I got back to find the inmate being temporarily held in a holding cell directly across from the security station. The only real mistake made by the officer was that he brought the book-learnin' philosophy taught at the academy directly to the jail and tried to apply it to someone who thinks that "compliance" is some kind of machine you can buy at Sears. Everyone does not accept authority, especially if it's delivered with robotic indifference. Since I was the senior officer on the floor that day, I was the one who had to handle the rest of the problem before the Sergeant got a full report. I was told that the inmate was extremely agitated.

I headed for the holding cell after providing a half hour cooling off period and keyed open the door. I was unfamiliar with this inmate because he had only arrived the day before. If ever, and I mean, if ever, a person fit the category of "Bubba", this was him. This guy was 6' 8" tall and weighed over 300 pounds. Man, was he ugly! I'm 5' 9" at 185 and ugly. Where are those guys with the "No Fear" stickers on their truck windows when I needed them.

Apprehensively, I just stood at the door and was ready to slam it shut if the inmate rushed me. I just began talking to him from the doorway like we had known each other for a long time. These guys are often manipulated into an acceptable behavior silhouette if they think they have had a past experience with you that was positive. Since they are not sure most of the time, they actually give you the benefit of the doubt and aggression levels subside with a little patience.

About 10 minutes into my nonsensical conversation, I felt I could venture a little further into the holding cell. I can only say that experience with these inmates is the only basis for taking a possible chance like this. Some of our staff would have just pissed the inmate off further by acting within the guidelines of an "officer" and the inmate would have wound up in the safety cell for 36 hours. The way I see it, that doesn't solve much in the long run. I would always try the reasoned approach with most inmates first. It often worked out successfully, even with our mentally challenged inmates. At the time, I felt that my methodology was right on track with Bubba.

Towards the end of our conversation, I told him that I know he probably missed his family and that he needed to go along with our rules so he wouldn't have to stay in jail longer than he had to. Hurting one of our officers could keep him in jail much longer and I didn't want that because he was probably a pretty good guy - bottom line. He just wasn't showing it. I told him that the officer was just trying to do his job the best way he knew how and was not picking on him. I also said that I expected him to help our officers do their job and to help protect them, not hurt them. He also had to apologize to the officer the next chance he got.

I told him he probably acted out because he was pretty depressed about being in jail. He spent almost our entire 30-minute encounter together just listening to me, but with that statement he said that he felt lost and alone. I told him that there were people out there who needed him and loved him and that he was very important to have around, so it was time to take better care of himself. I told him he needed to try as hard as he could not to let them down.

At this point, I asked him if he was ready to go back to his pod and if he was going to be okay. He shook his yes and stood up. Now I'm looking straight up at a gargantuan mountain! Tentatively, I backed out of the cell and asked him to follow. We are now in the hallway between the security station and the holding cell. He stopped suddenly and with an unpredictably shaky voice, he said, "Hey" and I became witness to a facial expression that I was not familiar with... from a paltry distance of 3 feet. All I knew was that he was not smiling.

He slowly took one step towards me and all I could think of was, "Oh Shit!" He hesitated for about 5 long seconds, then slowly bent over and put his head softly on my shoulder and whispered, "Thanks."

Just as that occurred, our officially paid jail resident shrink had walked by and witnessed the head-on-the-shoulder routine. He simply said, "How's it goin', Father Bill?" I have to admit, it was a feel-good day for me as I returned "Bubba" to his cell.