The Field of Emotional Intelligence - More personal complaints

(Note - After I wrote this, I decided not to post it. Then David wrote me again and I wrote something even more harshly worded. David responded to that and since then we have had a very constructive dialogue. Now I feel okay about posting this as I originally wrote it on. S. Hein, January 28,. 2005)

So I get an email from David Caruso. He tells me he doesn't like my personal attacks on Daniel Goleman. He writes:

Dear Steve –
 
Just got a nice note from Dan Goleman about my little comment on the consortium website. I appreciate your fighting the fight for Jack and Peter (and my) work – but I still think that attacks and personal stuff on Dan are not helpful – to you, me or the field.  It’s just not right, it does not seem to be what you stand for either. I feel strongly about this and wanted to share that with you upfront.
 
I read about what you are doing and am impressed. And also, BTW, liked your test items.
Good food for thought for me. I was just thinking how we need to move forward, do things better. You are really effective when you focus on goodness and change.
 
The YV is moving ahead with data collection.
 
Ran a workshop for a child abuse agency staff – an effort to do more pro-bono work in the field.   And, still like to interact with students – not always – but almost so. I think I need to feel more connected and helpful to folks generally. 
 
I am happy for 2005 – 04 was not the best for several reasons. But when I read about what happened in Asia , it is hard to focus on one’s own, seemingly minor and trivial hurts. I was wondering how you felt about this – with your views and travels.
 
Take care,
David

Here are my comments and words in reply

First of all, I like David Caruso. I am playing with him more than trying to hurt him or discredit him. I am challenging him to raise his own standards, to look at himself. I feel sad when I think about what the USA has done to him. I wish he would get out of there for a few years. Get away from business people for a few years. Stop wearing ties. Stop going to business meetings. Stop living in the suburbs.

One thing I like about David is that he is still pretty much a real person. I have no hope for Goleman. He has been too brainwashed. Smoked too much pot or done too many drugs or been too damaged by the Jewish religion and the people in his family or whatever. But David is still pretty real. At least he was the last time I saw him a couple years ago.

I hesitate to post this but if I don't do it now, it won't get done.

I feel a bit hypocritical because I talk about respect being asking someone how they feel about doing something before you do it. But if I write to David and ask him how he feels about me writing this, the total mood I am in now will be lost. My words are like paint. The painting would not be the same the next day or the next mood. I apologize to David in advance. And I welcome his comments. And I will consider revising this after it is posted. But I need to post it or I will feel stressed. I feel stressed now and that is not good for my mental health. I can hear David giving me suggestions like "there are other more effective ways to manage stress." Maybe so, but this is my way right now, and I don't need or want your approval. I need and want to feel free to write what I want, as I want, when I want. After all, it is my site. One of the only things I have pretty much total control over. You have your kids. You can boss them around. I have no one to boss around. My site is my only creation. It is what I will leave behind if I die tomorrow. It's mine all mine. Lol. I feel possessive!

Anyhow here are somethings I want to say about David

- He thinks baseball is important. He thinks who wins a baseball game is important. He takes his kids to baseball games. He has gotten them interested in baseball. I almost want to cry when I think about this. And I almost want to cry because I am pretty sure he won't understand why I feel so sad about this.

- His wife once said to his son: "Well maybe you aren't the best one for the position" This was when his son was upset that David didn't pick him to be the pitcher that day. In other words, his wife totally invalidated her son. And she is a child psychologist.

See, I visited David's house a couple of times. So I saw this in person. I really don't feel good about writing this. But I don't feel good about not writing it either. It is probably not that big of a deal. No one will decide not to give David a consulting contract because of what I write here. And David will probably forgive me. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he will feel betrayed. I will accept that he feels betrayed if he does. I will understand. I won't invalidate his feelings. That's about all I can do. I can say "I am sorry you feel betrayed," and that will be true, not just words.

- He thinks being "effective" is important. But as far as I remember he has never really said what he means by being effective and what he thinks we should be effective at. As I wrote once, gas chambers were effective.

- He thinks business and management and leadership are important.

- He thinks measuring stuff is important.

So let's say David and I have different beliefs about what is important.

So that is why I am writing this I guess. To inform the public. So they can take what he says with a grain of salt.

And I also want to say that I don't really think he is helping humanity much right now. He is too worried about the "field" of emotional intelligence. He is too worried about his own image. Too afraid of what I might say about him. Too afraid he will lose clients I guess and not have money to pay his bills or something. But he has enough money to live for a long time if he would live more simply. I don't know. How can I criticize him? He is doing different things for the world. Very different than I am. But we are both trying in our own ways. I would like him to be a bit more like me and he would like me to be a bit more like him. I don't like people trying to change me, so I can assume he wouldn't like me trying to change him. Or judging him. And I suppose he feels judged. But can he say, "I feel judged"? Can his kids say it? Do they use my 0-10 scale? lol.

I like David. He is a good person. If we are going to be simplistic and talk in terms of good and bad. So now I am being simplistic, as I have accused him of being. So I am hypocrite. lol. Yep, that's me. lol.

I also trust David. I admire him in a lot of ways. I used to admire him a bit more before he started doing so much stuff with business managers. But I feel encouraged that he said he is doing some other stuff. And feels a need to be more connected to people. Yes. I agree. It would help you and thereby help humanity..

See, David told me once the goal was the advancement of humanity. So we share this common goal. As for Dan Goleman, I have no idea if he even has a goal. And whatever he said it was, I wouldn't believe him.

David, please don't be anymore like Dan Goleman. You are getting sucked into his world. Get away from business people. Listen to people for a while. Don't give them any advice. Stop being a parent. Stop being a consultant. Go into the poor homes and just listen. Talk to suicidal teenagers and just listen. Don't try to fix them. They can teach you a lot. You told me once you use to work with teens, but it's been a long time. And even then you were being a professional.

David, I know you don't want me to write about you and your family. I have respected your feelings for a long time. But I need to take care of my own mental health first and this is troubling me. The fact I have kept silent about a couple things for a long time. I need to feel a sense of integrity according to my own standards and not anyone else's. I have never done anything really valuable by trying to please someone else. Or seek their approval or whatever.

I feel rebellious and defiant. I feel a little offended that you are trying to influence what I write and how I write it. Not a lot rebellious and defiant, maybe 3, but that's the feeling. Or feelings. And btw, I don't feel very offended, because I also feel a lot of respect for you, like 8/9ish. But you are a product of your environment and you haven't left it long enough to think for yourself.

I need to feel free. To write whatever words come to mind. This is why my site is number on EI, David. Not because I follow the rules.

I break the rules all the time. And I want to be a model for young people. I believe in myself. More than you believe in yourself, I will risk saying. I feel competitive a bit, 6 maybe. I believe I am doing more for humanity than you right now. You can do more, David. The world doesn't need more effective business managers.

I feel sad that you spent your time and your brains writing a book on business management. I am sure it is a good book when it comes to books on business management. I would read it if I had a copy and had the time. But I am doing different things.

I don't really want to feel superior to you, but I would be lying if I said I didn't right now. I have a problem with insecurity too and need to feel superior sometimes to help fill my unmet emotional needs. I feel a bit judgmental. I feel superior partly because I am using feeling words. lol.

I feel playful. Sporty. You challenge me and I like to think I challenge you and you have said that I do. You have even encouraged me to.

I feel sad at the thought of hurting you personally, and of damaging our friendship. I feel torn. I want to tell my site readers some things. I want to show them that I am not in your pocket anymore, if I ever was. Before I used to hold you and Jack on a pedestal. But I don't anymore.

The time you told me that people do things like run airplanes into buildings because they are "evil" has troubled me ever since you said that. I keep wondering how a person with a PhD in psychology from a supposedly good school and then who studied more psychology at Yale, one of the supposedly best schools in the world, can talk about "evil." And then when I asked you where you think evil comes from you said, "I don't know but we have to stop it however we can." Or something like that.

I'd like to know if you remember this convo. And have you own up to it if you do. I'd like to put your comments on my site.

You know, I don't think you have ever written one word for my site. I feel hurt about this, especially since you have written for Goleman's site.

You said,

We have seen huge corporations brought to their knees because their boards were filled with insiders, or their books audited by companies with a vested interest in selling more lucrative consulting services. Problems were ignored, and negative results were disregarded.

If we, as a body of science and practice, suppress critical comments, surround ourselves with insiders, and fail to ask the tough questions, we may have a happier field, but a less effective one.

We will advance this field by asking tough questions, conducting research, providing constructive criticism, and engaging in passionate debate with each other. At the same time we need to remain open to the wisdom of our own emotions whenever our work is on the receiving end of these tough questions and constructive criticism. Emotional Intelligence: Issues and Common Misunderstandings is an excellent contribution toward productively defining the issues in this field. Now, we must directly address these difficult issues to bring forth a thriving field of inquiry that provides positive value to the world.

You also told me once to use Goleman's own words to show people how his writing is inconsistent and doesn't make sense. So I am doing what you suggested now. Feel free to do the same with me! I expect you to and would be a bit disappointed if you didn't!

So you say the field needs to be open to criticism, but you don't seem to want people to read what I have to say about things. I saw that on one of your new sites my site wasn't even listed. I felt hurt by this. And you never mentioned my site in your article for Goleman's site. It wasn't an academic journal. It was only an article for his website. You didn't have to get permission from Jack or Peter. I think you want to forget, sometimes, that my site exits. But it does exist and it is number one on google. Why is it number one, when I don't follow the rules and am nothing close to the professionals that you trained with in psychology? Why is my site still number one on google?

Would the world really be better off if I followed your advice? The people around the world don't seem to think so. But more importantly, I don't think so.

Here is what I believe.

I believe I am a good model for the young people of the world. I believe the world would be better off if there were more people like me. More people who didn't follow the rules of the APA and whatever. (later I wrote this slam of the APA rules) More people who were free to write whatever their hearts told them to write. More people who traveled as much as I have. Who left the environments they were raised and let's face it, brain-washed in, because every culture does this to its young to some extent or another.

I don't want people to go to the university and study psychology. I want them to come help me and learn from me. So far not one person has said, "I would rather learn from you than go study psychology in a university." This hurts me. The young people are so brain-washed to believe they need to go to college. They are so instilled with fear of not getting a job if they don't have a degree.

I don't like the system that you are a part of. You are deeply invested in the system. I don't know if you will ever get out. But I will keep encouraging you to do just that and get your kids out too. If you really love your kids, get them out of the USA. For a long time. Give them money to travel instead of going to universities. Travelling costs less anyhow! And they will learn much more. Send one of them to come work with me. I suppose you are afraid to send one of your kids to come spend time with me because I might just convince them that everything they have learned is wrong. Or nearly so. And they would return home very different and challenge you in ways you are not ready to be challenged in.

Teenagers like my ideas, David. They want to spend time with me. This tells me I am doing something right. And that the adults who have designed and run the system are doing a lot of things wrong. If you really want to advance humanity, then have your kids learn from me.

I sense you are looking for more meaning in your life now or something, or for a new direction. You've written about something like that before. I suppose you know in your heart that a lot of what I am saying is true. Or you wouldn't admire me for what I am doing and you wouldn't write me.

I wish we had a long time to talk. But I am here in Peru and you are there in New England. The weather here is a lot better if you want to come down and talk! I wear shorts everyday. I don't have one pair of long pants anymore. It's cool at night and warm most everyday.

As far as what I wrote about Goleman, I am not taking it down. I don't like him. I want to discredit him. And I am not interested in the field. I am interested in children and teenagers. And my own mental health. I feel okay about what I have said about him. If there is one thing that is not true, then tell me. But otherwise, I will leave it all as it is.

I dislike Goleman even more now that I hear he is kissing your ass and telling you how much he likes your article or whatever. I feel robbed. I feel robbed of your friendship and support. And I feel disappointed that you would feel good about getting a compliment from him. I feel a bit disgusted actually.

--

Misc initial thoughts...

a "nice" note? So Goleman is kissing David's ass now and David is starting to feel more protective of what we might as well call his "colleague" in the field of emotional intelligence.

Or maybe David is feeling afraid I will criticize him the same way one day. lol. And this would be an "appropriate" feeling. lol

David, are you really that insecure?! I have been criticizing Goleman for a long time and as far as I know he is still a millionaire and I am still sleeping in my ten year old van in truck stops and gas stations.

So I feel resentful because I am completely ignored in both the "consortium" website and in David's comment.

"It's just not right" - this is from someone who has a PhD in psychology and has done post doctoral work at Yale University.

"does not seem to be what you stand for either" What do you think I stand for? lol I feel a bit manipulated.

"I feel strongly about this." But what is the feeling?

--

Something else I noticed... David is talking about how good the EI consortium is here..(evidently they have changed their name from the EI consortium to the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence) David writes:

"Yet, CREIO has not only allowed other approaches to EI to be represented, they have at times been quite aggressive in their pursuit of alternative views"

But David seems to forget that the EI consortium dropped the link to my site a few years ago and that they don't have any mention of me or the site anywhere on their site.

To check this do a site search on google as follows

site:eiconsortium.org hein

site:eiconsortium.org eqi.org

So I am about dead tired now. I am sending this off to be posted before it is lost forever. Use your own judgment, like always, about what I write.

Oh yeah. David talks about passionate debate, but who at the EI consortium feels passionate about any of this? David wants passion. So is this editorial passionate enough for him? lol

One of the reasons I like David is because he still thinks about and talks about things like "passion". But at the same time it seems he wants me to be less passionate! Go figure. lol

Steve Hein
Some dirty, screwed up city called Chiclayo, Peru
January 6, 2006

Part 2

Part 2

Here is one reason my site is number one. Because I write about real stuff. Stuff that happens in my one life. I give practical suggestions. Like this page I wrote this week on listening.

http://eqi.org/listen3.htm

When the people at the EI consortium or the CREIO or whatever they want to call it can write something like that, I will have a bit more respect for them. lol Most of what they write is academic bullshit as far as I am concerned.

Here is something else to think about. I wrote this page on teacher student contracts. It is number one on google now.

I got this email about it today

Do people write to David and say "I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE!"? Do they write to Rob Emmerling at the EI Consortium?

And my page on invalidation is number one (excepting another use of the term not related to emotions)

And my page on emotional honesty is number one.

And my page on Goleman is number four. If people didn't want to read what I said about him, if they felt it was that unfair, it wouldn't be in the top five.

And David criticized me for what I said about Maurice Elias, but my page on him is number three on google. So the same thing I said about my Goleman page applies.

So how am I feeling?? Defiant. Unappreciated. Unacknowledged. Unaccepted. Judged. Disapproved of.

But these feelings just make me feel more determined to keep being just the way I am. I have a few more words to say now that I am bitching.

I have created the EQI site completely myself. The EI consortium site that David wrote his article for has been made up of the stuff from a lot of people. And they have been paying Rob Emmerling to maintain the site. And they got money from some foundation to create the site. No one else has helped me fund my site. And yet, despite all this, my site is number one on google. So I guess I will just say that all my critics can kiss my ass.

lol

Oh yeah one more thing, David tells me I am really effective when I focus on goodness and change.

Please...

Goodness?

How about goodness and light and fairies and angels.

And I don't like the word effective! Do I have to shout it!!!!! I've written about it before. ( http://eqi.org/ei_ed37.htm )

But I am not sure I would be too effective with helping suicidal teenagers feel understood of I were doing what David wants me to do. The world is very fucked up. I am already writing about change. But goodness? lol Let's get real and admit things are a big mess. And that there are reasons people feel depressed, suicidal, hopeless, as I have been feeling so much in the past year.

I don't know, David, I'd say my website is already pretty effective. It pisses a lot of people off, for example. lol.

Nah, I'm not changing one word on my Goleman page. I'm pretty proud of it.

And if being in the "field" of EI means being more like Goleman or letting others tell me what is good for the "field", then I'd rather stay out. Somehow this concept of the "field" of EI has now taken on some kind of its own identity I guess. And people are thinking about what is good for the "field" instead of for humanity. If you read the article that David wrote for Goleman's site and the article it refers back to you will see that they are talking a lot about what is "good for the field". But I'd say that my criticizing the "field" is pretty damn good for humanity. And I don't see them saying that anywhere!

I doubt anyone in the "field" will ever acknowledge that I exist. I am too scary. They are too insecure. They need to hide behind their degrees and credentials and expensive clothes and big words. And they need to stick together inside their cozy little "field". But from now on, I have no interest in the "field" of emotional intelligence. I will stay an outsider. And be proud of it.

Something else about David's email. He tells me he is working on the youth version of his EI test. First, I've decided I don't like any of these so called EI tests. Second, I have been working a lot more closely with teenagers for the past few years than David, Jack or Peter. Yet they haven't asked me for my opinion or sent me a copy of the test or anything. It's like I am invisible to these people with PhD's. They think they know everything. They don't want to associate with someone like me. I'm sick of it. Yeah, David writes me from time to time, but does he publicly acknowledge anything I am saying? Give me any credits anywhere? I don't fit into their academic world and I don't want to. But I would like to be a bit more acknowledged. Anyhow, whatever. I've finally said enough to satisfy myself for now.

Note: I do want to acknowledge that on one of David's sites he has a link to my site. And Jack Mayer also has a link to my site. (or he used to, it seems he has taken that down too, as I wrote about somewhere later...)

Steve