Suicide - Nobody wants to die.
June 1st, 2007
Respect is a word that the adults in my life use a lot. It’s also a word that doesn’t exist in Caraism. Respect is something that the aforementioned parties expect to be present without cause. But in my little bubble, respect should be earned.
Teenagers are taught to respect nobody. We are shown no respect and so, being very fairminded, we see no reason to show any in return. If we were trusted, repected and acknowledged, if we were truly allowed to have a say and an opinion and if that opinion could influence decisions, we would in turn respect you. But we act the way you teach us. And until you treat us as equals we will return the favour you give us, and treat you inferiorly.
June 1st, 2007
It’s possible to sit there for hours with the gun in your
mouth, searching for what you think is courage. Perhaps
you’re really searching for truth, an answer besides what
you keep telling yourself to do. There is only one thing I know
for certain. Nobody wants to die
Some people want to be
another person. Some people want a fresh start. Some people want
to forget everything that made up that thing they call their
life. But whatever question they are asking, whatever prayer they
are saying inside, suicide isn’t the answer they seek.
It’s the answer they are confronted with when a real answer
seems hard to find. Most of the time the answer we want to hear
isn’t right either.
Loneliness. Despair.
Grief. Loss. Insignificance. We have all felt our own version of
these things, and in our own way we have all considered dying
just so that it will go away. It makes us human. When my fiance
told me he didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t want to
die. I wanted him back. I wanted to hear him say that it was just
a cruel unnecessary joke. I wanted anything except having to deal
with it.
The worst thing you can
do is tell a suicidal person that things will get better, and
that everybody gets low. Would you feel like your emotions were
valid if someone told you it was nothing new, nothing special,
just teenage angst and that you will feel better soon? The
statement that everybody gets low at times in no way helps to
ease the pain they are feeling.What helps is to be listened to.
When someone just shuts up and listens I feel like what I am
saying truly matters to them. I feel like they are somehow
sharing it and it helps because when they let me talk I often
reach my own conclusions.
A problem schools often
have is their “guidance counsellors” who believe in
heavy on the guidance (i.e just another adult telling us what to
do). If they would listen they might actually get somewhere. But
mine told me that maybe I should move schools if I couldn’t
comply with wearing white socks. Way to help me feel understood!
Advice doesn’t help.
Adults get so annoyed when after requesting computer help their
kid wants to just do whatever for them instead of showing them
how. Advice is the same thing. It sucks to hear someone else
saying how you should do things, no matter how much you care
about that person. Listen. Validate. Acknowledge. Accept.
Understand. Help them reach their own conclusion. Because the
truth of the matter, or at least my own truth, is that nobody
wants to die.
June 2, 2006
“Just be happy”
“Life’s not so bad”
“Can’t you see you hurt the people around you when you get like this?”
“You have so much to live for”
“You don’t have to feel this way”
“You should get out and have fun. You’re young”
--
Gee, thanks guys.
Because now I no longer want to make my wrists into confetti.
Bec ause you think I should be happy.
Because you know me better than me, obviously.
Don’t talk about qualifications. I have 16 years of them.
Hey, you, yeah, everybody.
I am me.
June 1st, 2007
Phone Call
It seems ridiculous,
Out of place,
Like a car in the background
Of Lord of the Rings.
My giggle is hysterical,
And she speaks again,
Seeking an answer to her own
Rhetorical question.
--
“It was on purpose then?”
I’m laughing, “No, recreational.”
“I need you to answer”
“He had a headache,
He thought that taking
sixty fucking aspirin
Would help.”
Only the headache is a lie.
--
The ticking of my watch,
God’s nails tapping impatiently
Against a desk, sounds alien.
Surely time should have stopped
For him. It just keeps going.
I told him he’d get through soon,
Yesterday. Like the watch
It just kept going.