Cara

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}June 14 - Schools, hypocrisy and why my dean sucks | Letters page 2

June 12 - Cara's Private lessons | Letters from Cara

This page is not at all complete. But it gives you a glimpse of Cara, her mind and heart.

When someone tries or succeeds to kill themself they are NOT being selfish. They are cracking under the weight of all the emotional needs that were unmet. and they have always cried out for help in some way. and those around them csn't expect a suicidal teen to be thinking of their parents when those parents refused to help fulfill those needs.

When I ask ppl to listen I dont want them to tell me its gonna be ok and I don't wanna hear that they know how I feel coz they dont and I dont want them to tell me their experiences that r the same coz that makes me feel like mine are worth nothing

I am truly trying to be a better person. I've started cutting myself again which sucks but it makes me feel better about myself in a way, because I feel like I deserve to be punished for who I am. I had let myself be so blind to how horrible I've become but I'm not anymore. I've opned my eyes, and for that I thank you. I feel like one of many.. I feel like I don't stand out. I feel like nothing. I feel ordinary.

I had sex for the first time not last night but the night before. And if that is the meaning of life then life isn't worth the bother. I felt scared and empty and alone and unloved, not even wanted for who I was but only for the pleasure he could gain by fucking me. And then last night I got really really drunk and had sex again and i'm pretty sure we didn't use protection and I'll probably get pregnant and I'll be a HORRIBLE mother. horrible. i am horrible. Oh God. Would it be murder if I killed myself when I might be pregnant? I wouldn't be around to feel guilty. Why am I using conditionals? Wouldn't should be replaced with won't. I think better when I write to you. And I think I'd be better for the world if I was gone.

I wasn't trying to hurt you, I truly wasn't. I don't even know what you mean. I'm not usually sarcastic to hurt people. Could you tell me what you wre talking about?
Shit if I wasn't around I wouldn't do this shit. Shit shit shit why the FUCK was I ever born. Sorry, sorry, I'm putting burdens on you that you don't deserve, I'll stop with the melodramatics. Ingnore that. I guess I want you to see that I made the decision to do that coz I could've just deleted it.

Here is an example of expressing thoughts when you think you are expressing feelings, but you aren't using any feeling words. This is from some thing Cara wrote. I'm trying to help her see the difference and improve her e-literacy and develop her naturally high EI.

When you tell someone what you think they need, even if you say it is just your humble opinion, you are not telling them how you feel. Saying "I am afraid you will get hurt.. " would be telling them how you feel, for example, or "I am afraid she will leave you..." In the case of Cara's letter I remember that I felt judged by what Cara said she thought I needed. I am not sure if it was in this exact spot, but somewhere in the letter she said that she thinks I need to "grow up." I felt judged when she said that, so I am guessing she felt judgmental. She also was feeling afraid I would hate her or feel offended, but she didn't say that. She said "Please don't hate me". This is a form of what I call "pre-emptive invalidation."

Insecurity and Self-Invalidation When I feel insecure, I will often tell myself that I am silly to feel that way. For example, when I feel insecure about my boyfriend’s love for me, I tell myself that I shouldn’t feel that way, and that of course he loves me. I am invalidating my own feelings. Self-invalidation can be but isn’t always a result of insecurity. For example, people suffering from depression often invalidate their own feelings because they think they should not feel sad or do not deserve to feel sad. Self-invalidation is possibly the most harmful form of invalidation because usually when others invalidate us we have at least recognised and accepted our own feelings. Suppressing how you feel through self-invalidation is as harmful and dangerous as the example of the miserable closet gay. You become a closet sad person or a closet insecure person to yourself, and your image of who you want to be and the reality are forced further apart. Self-Invalidation and Self-Harm If I invalidate the way I feel about something and I continue to feel it, I often feel like I’m being bad or committing some kind of, for want of a better word, sin. I feel the need to punish myself. Several other self-harmers have said the same. Self-Validating Insecurities

2. This emotion was probably triggered by x action/s by person Y and z corresponding action-triggered emotion OR this was not directly triggered by an action (what y did and what I felt about it).

3. So, I feel this, and I also feel guilty/unjustified/wrong/etc about feeling it.

So now I have two sets of feelings instead of one set of invalidated feelings.

steve dice:
hey
steve dice:
cara dice:
omg!
steve dice:
hey
steve dice:
what?
cara dice:
ur on! and so early
cara dice:
gah!
steve dice:
ha ha
steve dice:
n ive been on for over an hour
steve dice:
hey im worried about x
steve dice:
http://eqi.org/xyz.htm
cara dice:
Oh my gosh *hug* are u able to call her?
steve dice:
no
steve dice:
her fucking mother took away her cell phone to punish her
steve dice:
can u see why i hate parents like that so much
cara dice:
yes, i do. do u have her last name, home number?
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hb
steve dice:
thanks for agreeing with me for once
steve dice:
ha ha
steve dice:
im almost crying
steve dice:
ive been trying not to feel anything
steve dice:
but talking to u is bringing out the feelings
steve dice:
dont say much right now plz
cara dice:
okay. hug
steve dice:
thanks
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
im really crying now
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
its like.. unreal...
steve dice:
she just came into my life
steve dice:
just when ocean left
steve dice:
n now ur there...so i can talk to u
steve dice:
but if u werent there..
steve dice:
who would i be telling this to...
steve dice:
u dont have to say anything at all
steve dice:
just sit there
steve dice:
or send hugs
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
ok i know thats hard on u so i will let u talk
steve dice:
i love u
steve dice:
thanks for trying so much and being urself inspite of me criticizing u so much
cara dice:
love u 2. thanks for teaching me.
steve dice:
see i used to get so angry id feel violent when i found out what happens to teens
steve dice:
i used to live in austraila in the woods and id take tree branches and smash them against a big big tree
steve dice:
or throw rocks or smash them with a sledge hammer
steve dice:
but that was more dangerous...
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
i dont know what do do with my strong feelings
steve dice:
i get angry and swear but what good does that do
steve dice:
the adults just think im crazy, violent, sick, bbb
steve dice:
they really dont give a shit if x is dead
steve dice:
i just talked to this 13 year old
steve dice:
she said she made the mistake of telling a counselor that she was thinking about killing herself
steve dice:
what do u think the counselor did?
cara dice:
told the girls parents? mine did that.
cara dice:
hug.
steve dice:
exactly
steve dice:
here is the convo
steve dice:
madi dice:
ummm my mum pisses me off, i was seeing the scool counciller, she told me i had depression, i told her i have had thoughts of killing my self (bad move) she said something about duty of care so she had to call my mum my mum took the news very badly, she hasnt stoped crying for two weeks, she is always pressuring me to talk to her, but i am a stubborn lil bitch
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
shes just 13 but she knows who she wants to talk to and who she doesnt want to talk to
steve dice:
who in this entire fucking world respects that?
cara dice:
hug. u respect it. it means a lot to us.
steve dice:
x's mom stil hits her. or shoves her around. yet she doesnt think shes abused
steve dice:
then i talk to u and u say ur parents used to hit u but they didnt abuse u
steve dice:
so what is abuse then? what do i call it?
steve dice:
what do i do? just say oh they hit u because they love u
steve dice:
did u read this:
steve dice:
http://eqi.org/abuse3.htm
cara dice:
yes, i did.
steve dice:
anyhow
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
n now ocean is back living with them
steve dice:
how the fuck am i supposed to feel?
steve dice:
just say oh her parents love her
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
thats why they took away her car her computer, her cell phone
steve dice:
locked her in the house
steve dice:
wouldnt let her call 911
steve dice:
does that sound like love to u
steve dice:
seriously?
cara dice:
no. it sounds like abuse. evil.
steve dice:
thanks for not defending parents this morning
steve dice:
n just listening
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
was is it hard to do?
steve dice:
ha ha
cara dice:
no. not really.
steve dice:
how do u feel?
steve dice:
y can talk now
steve dice:
im done for the moment
steve dice:
im leaning back, taking my hands off the kb
cara dice:
im scared. i don't want x to be hurt, i want to help but im so far away and i cant contact her. i want to be able not to sleep so that im always here if anyone needs someone.
steve dice:
hug

cara dice:
hug. some starfish are so special, you know?
steve dice:
how so
cara dice:
u wrote the story of the boy throwing back starfish. my priest told me that too once. i want to throw teens back.
cara dice:
iv only ever saved two, there are so many special amzing people whose problems i cant solve.
cara dice:
im done now. i cant see the keyd properly from crying.
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
please let her be okay. please God let her be okay. il pray forever and ever i she's okay. il even go to church.
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
sorry
steve dice:
do u think it would do more good to pray or to try to change the laws?
steve dice:
or to listen to pple like x while trying to change the laws?
steve dice:
im sorry
steve dice:
im not being a good listener
steve dice:
im being a shitty listener (this is a joke because i called her a shitty listener when we first met)
steve dice:
ur a bad influence on me ha ha
cara dice:
changing the laws now can't make miracles. but if he is out there maybe he can. if anyone was ever worth savin it's her. iv been saved so many times and i've never earned it.
cara dice:
sorry
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hb
steve dice:
we better not talk about religion!
cara dice:
i don't believe in religion. god is diferent tho
steve dice:
but i cant resist
steve dice:
if u were crying would u rather have someone pray for u or hug u?
steve dice:
u dont have to answer
steve dice:
i should probably shut up now, as ocean always said
cara dice:
i don't believe in religion. but i think there might be someone there who looks out for us. some people show they care by praying. it would mean a lot if someone like that prayed for me. hugs are all very well but sometimes believing ur worthy is more. only when im lower than low. i believe in life, i think i told u that before.
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
i don't think i could lose someone i loved without believing in something.
steve dice:
well sometimes i cant hug someone. i cant listen to them. im far away. im totally powerless n then i think well maybe i can send my thoughts somehow to someone, kind of like praying... its like the last resort for me...
steve dice:
but i think even still writing is better than praying
steve dice:
when people ask me what i believe in i say i believe in kids
steve dice:
or in nature
steve dice:
if some god made nature and kids, fine
steve dice:
but ive never heard a theory of god that made any sense to me
cara dice:
i made my own.
steve dice:
well hell tell me about it
steve dice:
ive got time
steve dice:
if u have already i apologize
steve dice:
im old and senile and forget stuff ha ha
cara dice:
nah. i just think that god is like a parent. u let ur kids fall off their bike when they're learning. we are like the kids. it cant just stop us from moving so that we don't fall.
cara dice:
it let us grow to what we are. but its out there in case things ge bad enough. i have no idea. i have no idea. iv only lost grandma. and is she was just gone i couldnt cope. i feel so guilty. her hospital was on my way home from school for two years but i was 2 scared to visit her. i was 10!!
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
how can we contact her
steve dice:
we cant.
cara dice:
do u have her last name
steve dice:
ive already emailed her. we just have to wait
steve dice:
nope
steve dice:
n if i did what would i do?
cara dice:
whitepages.com
steve dice:
shes either dead or alive by now
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
thanks
steve dice:
its tricky. if i call a teens house then pple will say who is that? and bbb and usually they will stop me from talking to the person.
steve dice:
once steff sent me a text saying she had cut her wrists
steve dice:
so i called 911 or whatever in the uk
steve dice:
and called her father
steve dice:
he was ok
steve dice:
he thanked me
steve dice:
guess what her mother did?
cara dice:
what?
steve dice:
took away her mobile
cara dice:
typical. fuck. i do hate parents
steve dice:
so the next time she tries to kill herself, who is gonna know?
steve dice:
ha ha
steve dice:
u sound like me
steve dice:
im a bad influence
steve dice:
go back to ur text books
steve dice:
ha ha
cara dice:
i love my parents.
steve dice:
im happy for u
cara dice:
i think im lucky.
steve dice:
thats american sarcasm
steve dice:
ok pls dont talk about that right now
steve dice:
it destroys my mood
cara dice:
sorry
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
n i dont want to fight
steve dice:
thanks
cara dice:
i felt bad for like, betraying them
cara dice:
sorry
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
i understand that
cara dice:
say u r x's teacher
steve dice:
u can go on loving them and hate other parents then
steve dice:
ok so im x's teacher
steve dice:
then what
cara dice:
if they say she should be at school u know she was well enough to fake being well.
steve dice:
im confused
cara dice:
say ur ringing to ask where she is. never mind.
steve dice:
yeah but like i say by now shes either dead or not
steve dice:
she might be in a hospital
cara dice:
yeah.
cara dice:
she might have vomited them up.
steve dice:
or she might be having a good sleep
cara dice:
fuck im so sorry i gave her that idea steve, im sorry, im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
steve dice:
this is fun work let me tell u. u just have to sit and wait sometimes
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
or keep urself busy chatting with crazy teens
cara dice:
thanks
cara dice:
lol
steve dice:
what do u mean u gave her the idea?
cara dice:
she seemed really interested when i u know tried to
cara dice:
im worried that sorta brought it to her mind more. like, made it more posible
steve dice:
she told me it wouldnt work. she said ud just get sick. n also shes had the pills around a long time. but yeah i can see how ud feel like shit if u thought u contributed...
steve dice:
ok ill blame u if shes dead
steve dice:
hows that?
cara dice:
yay!
cara dice:
then i can die and everyone will be better off
cara dice:
hehe
steve dice:
but laura will probably say its her fault some how so u two will have to argue about it
cara dice:
bitch fight
cara dice:
!
steve dice:
have u ever talked to laura?
steve dice:
lol
cara dice:
no
steve dice:
bitch fight?
cara dice:
yeah. when two chix fight
steve dice:
heres her email
cara dice:
is she on now
steve dice:
tell her shes the sweetest person in the uk
steve dice:
no shes in school
steve dice:
of course!
cara dice:
ah
steve dice:
learning about things which are relevant to her life
steve dice:
like us history
steve dice:
and latin
cara dice:
okay.
cara dice:
those who do not remember their history are destned to repeat it
steve dice:
thanks for that wisdom
steve dice:
some pple dont even know whats happening tho
cara dice:
its some bullshit my teacher uses to try make me study
steve dice:
so they cant remember it
steve dice:
thats why i inform pple
steve dice:
as jesus said let those who have ears hear
steve dice:
or whatever he said
cara dice:
listen. yes.
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
fuck
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
fuck
cara dice:
"fuck wank bugger shithead arse head and hole"
cara dice:
loveacutally is all around.
steve dice:
u have a potty mouth
steve dice:
ur a bad influence on me
steve dice:
if my parents find out they wont let me talk to u!
cara dice:
the gay rocker off loveactually. i just watch chickflicks a lot
cara dice:
rofl!
steve dice:
im serious
steve dice:
ur evil
steve dice:
n they love me
cara dice:
i know. i know.
steve dice:
ha ha ha
steve dice:
thats why they beat the shit out of me
cara dice:
lol
steve dice:
in peru there is a saying
steve dice:
lo mas que te amo, lo mas te pego
steve dice:
it means the more i love u, the more i hit u
steve dice:
im not making that up
steve dice:
a peruvian told me that
cara dice:
love is complicated. we all get angry at th ones we love. some people cant cope with anger.
cara dice:

you know, x got beat to a pulp with sticks by two pakeha trash cunts who hit him with sticks just because he's singaporean. that's wrong too
cara dice:
i can t believe i used tha word i hate that word
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
i ran away, once.
steve dice:
oh yeah?
cara dice:
i didnt even make it to the north island.
cara dice:
thats what my display picis. running. i sketched it in maths.
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
how come u left
cara dice:
dad was in a rehab clinic for alcoholism and mum thought theyd split up 4ever. it was selfish of me leaving her with the kids when she needed me most. she was there 4 me tho. gave me $ and organised somewhere safe for me to go. I wanted to go home so she came to get me.
cara dice:
hatred and love are sometimes the same
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
sorry for making my parents sound like saints again
cara dice:
i didnt mean to
steve dice:
hug its ok
steve dice:
can i put this convo on my site?
cara dice:
sure.
cara dice:
"see, here's proof she's dumb and quite crazy!""
cara dice:
hehe
cara dice:
caring this much hurts. i feel physically sick with worry about x, but there nothing i can do except hope. trust her.
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hug. x needs hugs.
cara dice:
if i could switch with her i actually would.
steve dice:
... that almost is making me cry....
steve dice:
i dont want either of u taking a bottle of pills
steve dice:
dont kill urself this week plz
cara dice:
okay, next monday then. jokes.
steve dice:
k
steve dice:
thanks
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
id kind of like to write a poem that would go something like this
steve dice:
dont kill urself this week, please.
steve dice:
i need u around
steve dice:
ur the one i can talk to
steve dice:
ur the one i can cry with
steve dice:
ur the one who listens to me
steve dice:
i need u
steve dice:
please dont kill urself this week
steve dice:
please
cara dice:
*smile* how could i after u say that. im here for as long as anyone on earth needs me or wants me to stay. although with a little L engraved in my thigh.
steve dice:
L?
cara dice:
for x
steve dice:
ah dumb me
steve dice:
did u just cut that into urself?
cara dice:
mmm.
steve dice:
how special
steve dice:
no s's?
steve dice:
do i have to try to kill myself to get an S on ur body?
cara dice:
lol, if it means that much u can have ur s now
steve dice:
teenagers...
steve dice:
*rolls eyes
cara dice:
hey!
steve dice:
ya gotta love em
cara dice:
i feel stereotyped
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
A+
steve dice:
thats the american system btw
steve dice:
did u know?
cara dice:
yeah
cara dice:
E here
steve dice:
E for ecstacy?
steve dice:
u ever done drugs?
cara dice:
not really
cara dice:
alcohol. i had a dope cookie once and it was yuck. i dont wanna damage who i am.
steve dice:
jas
cara dice:
k
steve dice:
http://eqi.org/cara.htm
cara dice:
aww
cara dice:
so they see my twisted mind
steve dice:
ha ha

cara dice:
http://www.fanfiction.net/...
cara dice:
oops that was dumb sorry
steve dice:
havent looked yet...
steve dice:
what is it
cara dice:
suicide poem/story. v simplistic. not my best tho.
steve dice:
k hang on
cara dice:
k
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
i havent been very good at letting u talk. im sorry.
steve dice:
how come u say that?
cara dice:
i dunno, i start telling u running away sob stories when u need me to be there 4 u
cara dice:
its dumb
steve dice:
hug.. i think uve been great today.
steve dice:
i think
steve dice:
ha ha
cara dice:
hug
cara dice:
lol
steve dice:
did u notice?
cara dice:
notice the i think?
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
i feel listened to lets say
steve dice:
and appreciative
cara dice:
mmm. bad influence again!
steve dice:
and proud of myself for being such a good teacher
steve dice:
and appreciative of u for being such a good student
steve dice:
and i feel impressed by u
steve dice:
but mostly appreciative for listening to me today
steve dice:
not defending parents
steve dice:
not lecturing
steve dice:
not tell me all the things u think in that over educated head of urs
steve dice:
ha ha
steve dice:
yt
cara dice:
i feel... grateful.thankful for ur teaching.
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
relieeved.
cara dice:
hb
steve dice:
u surprise me
cara dice:
how so?
steve dice:
i feel bad cuz i prejudged u pretty badly
steve dice:
and i was pretty far off
steve dice:
and i feel thankful x said nobody is a waste of time
steve dice:
u were really annoying me that day! lol
cara dice:
lol sorry
steve dice:
i was about to block u
cara dice:
!!
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
go ahead...
steve dice:
tell me im a shithead
cara dice:
nah.
steve dice:
aw
steve dice:
thanks
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
i dont really think i am
steve dice:
but i do shitty stuff sometimes
cara dice:
we all do

steve dice:
ocean wants to visit new zealand, or she did anyhow
steve dice:
we talked a little about going there together
steve dice:
i dont know what is up with her
steve dice:
she hasnt written in like 3 days
steve dice:
she had all these plans and dreams
steve dice:
and we had a lot together
steve dice:
im still in shock
steve dice:
its hard to believe
steve dice:
its like she just vanished
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
hb
steve dice:
im baffled still
steve dice:
she seemed so sure of what she wanted to do
steve dice:
then she took these fucking mushrooms in amsterdam
steve dice:
did i tell u that part?
cara dice:
i read it
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
fucking drugs
steve dice:
i was almost considering smoking some pot just to see what it was like
steve dice:
but now i hate drugs
steve dice:
i used to just not like them. now i hate them
steve dice:
what do u want to do with ur life?
cara dice:
i thought i knew til today
steve dice:
explain
cara dice:
i was always going to go to uni, get an honours degree in law and political science and work for the human rights commision or be the next nz prim minister or work for the un
cara dice:
now i don't know
cara dice:
i dont think i could be a doctor but i want to
steve dice:
how come
cara dice:
i want to help people but i couldnt handle the guilt when one died. id do nothing but cry
cara dice:
all the time
steve dice:
hug
cara dice:
hb
steve dice:
who hugs u when u cry?
cara dice:
nobody. xcept ur electronic ones and chip's txt ones
steve dice:
is he ur bf?
cara dice:
yeah. hes back home, and im here, 1000 km away
steve dice:
oh
steve dice:
k
steve dice:
hang on im gonna update the page with our convo
cara dice:
okay lol
cara dice:
r u like scared to comment lest i read them and yell
cara dice:
again
cara dice:
?
steve dice:
no, what do u mean?
cara dice:
like, write a comment being all like see she might be smart intellectually but shes an empty shell, thats y i nearly gave up shell
steve dice:
Profile of a Lunatic named Cara
steve dice:
ha ha
cara dice:
rofl
cara dice:
that was a while back
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
oh ur not a lunatic now?
cara dice:
touche
cara dice:
lol
steve dice:
lol

cara dice:
what can we do about lu
cara dice:
lu means loo
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
i figured that out
cara dice:
wow, genius this 1
steve dice:
bite me
steve dice:
lol
cara dice:
lol, never tell someone as sadistic as moi to bite u
steve dice:
ur sadistic?
cara dice:
no
cara dice:
im just saying that
steve dice:
ok good
steve dice:
i knew a girl who got turned on by violence
cara dice:
ew
cara dice:
sorry, judgemental
steve dice:
yeah...i kind of want to be in love with someone just a little more normal!
cara dice:
uv picked the wrong line of work then lol

steve dice:
There's a lump on my finger and I'm sure it's cancer.
steve dice:
whats this
cara dice:
iv got 1 of those!!!
steve dice:
no shit
steve dice:
its from ur page
cara dice:
ah
steve dice:
lol
cara dice:
what page
steve dice:
http://....blogspot.com/
steve dice:
heres more...
My English teacher (another American, would you believe, and American teaching ENGLISH!) said that the girls at girls high schools were, and I quote, "backstabbing bitches".
steve dice:
ha ha
cara dice:
omg! i 4got that existed!
cara dice:
lol!
steve dice:
still more...
I'm a teen- what's your excuse?
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
ur funny
cara dice:
lol im crazy.
steve dice:
"A New Zealand teenager fights the system, parents and seriously evil hair as she discovers that the road to enlightenment is a rocky one."
steve dice:
lol
cara dice:
lol
cara dice:
im a bit weird
cara dice:
thats so old
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
i like it
steve dice:
u sound more rebellious back then
steve dice:
see what the system does to u?
cara dice:
i am still v rebellious
cara dice:
very
cara dice:
very
cara dice:

steve dice:
i feel bad for laughing when x might be dead or in the hospital or mental prison or who knows...
steve dice:
im just hoping i hear from her soon
cara dice:
me 2
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
if they sent her to the mental hospital there is no telling how long it will be before she gets out
steve dice:
and she will be upset cuz she knows ill be worried and they wont let her email me or something
steve dice:
its such a fucked system
cara dice:
they have to do a psych assesment 1st. they have to wait til shes healthy enoug
cara dice:
she should lie
steve dice:
teens need emotional support and its all stripped from them when they are locked up in there
cara dice:
say she had a horrid migraine
steve dice:
they even do that to adults! i tried to reach my 28 year old friend in one and they wouldnt let me talk to her!
cara dice:
hug
steve dice:
in the usa they take u straight there
steve dice:
police take u
steve dice:
n ur put in a straight jacket usually
cara dice:
fuck
steve dice:
its a real compassionate system
cara dice:
god i hate usa
steve dice:
designed with the teens feelings in mind
cara dice:
and pigs
cara dice:
god, its horrrible
steve dice:
are u seeing more why i feel so strongly?
cara dice:
yes!
cara dice:
i nver defended the cops
cara dice:
i hate cops
steve dice:
i wish ocean would write about the times she was locked up
steve dice:
its almost unbelievable the shit they do to teenage girls in those places
cara dice:
nz is v great place!
steve dice:
yeah i think its probably a bit better
steve dice:
but still the laws are similar
cara dice:
we dont have mental hospitals as such. voluntary rehab places tho.

Cara understands. The things Cara says amaze me. I started to write "I shouldn't be amazed because I have met so many amazing teens". Then I stopped because I don't like to use the word should. But I couldn't quickly think of another way to say it. Now I don't even like to say teens. Cara isn't just a teen. Calling someone a teen sterotypes them. And that is one problem with the laws. The laws discriminate based on age. A more intelligent, and more humane sysetm would base important, literally life and death decions, on something besides age.

Cara is right. I question everything. I ask why and why not, and why tue fucking hell....ha ha.

It is nice when someone sees you as Cara. And when they call you even though the people who their life depended upon for so many years disapprove.

Cara really understands things. She understands herself and her motives and needs. Much better than those who have power over her. Cara is going to do things with her life.She and I are going to work together in some way. It still amazes me how clearly she sees me. But then again I am pretty transparent to most teens. Teens understand me when no one else does. They don't have to question my motives. They somehow know. Their feelings tell them. Their instinct.

C and I have been writing a bit these last few days. She told me about Leelah Alcorn.........

Today she told me someone else told her she has "PTSD". Hmm, wonder how she got that... could it be...? Nah, I'm sure it had nothing to do with her parents...Or Marvin... nah, I'm sure it wasn't that either... Probably not any of the other things I haven't heard about which have happened to her in her life. I'm sure it must be genetics. Chemical imbalance. All of that. Yeah, That's it. It has to be that. There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with her family or culture or society. She was just born with a defective brain. I'm sure they will find the right pills for it tho. I have 100.. well ok maybe not 100, percent faith in the system. And in God. After all, as Leelah's parents said, God doesn't make mistakes.

There was a teenage named Cara. An old man named Steve. Steve wanted Cara to _____ but Cara wanted to _____. Steve felt ____. Cara felt ______.

Years later Priscilla and Steve were in New Zealand. ___ and ___ and Steve felt ___ and Cara felt ____. (The details are not real important to this story - you can ask Cara if you want some day.)

Then yeas later Priscilla developed a lot of medical problems. Then months later she left Steve. Steve felt ____. Priscilla felt ____.

Then year later, she saved Priscilla's life when no other doctor would take the time to really listen to Priscilla and value what she was saying, and respect her feelings and instinct and wisdom.

None of this would have happened if Cara would have done what Steve wanted her to do when she was 15, 16, 17, 18ish.

Written by S. Hein with the help of Priscilla and Cara (tho they didn't know they were helping. They just helped by being who they are.)