Common Feelings of Depressed Adolescents Who Cut, Self-Injure and Attempt Suicide
*under construction*
These are all actual statements from depressed, self-injuring and suicidal adolescents. The quotes come from my chats with them, from their emails to me and from their online diaries. In some cases I've made slight changes to help protect their annonymity. In the cases where I have their names, it is with their permission. The non-linked references are for my own off-line record keeping. The examples show how these sensitive young people feel. I'd like to help convince others of the importance of taking feelings seriously to help save lives and spirits.
| Abandoned
Bored Defective Emotionally dead Failful Hopeless |
Imprisoned Incompetent Ignored Isolated Judged Labeled Manipulated Misunderstood Not listened to Not taken seriously Powerless Punished Rejected Self-condemning |
Shouted at
Stereotyped Unable to Cry Underestimated |
Undeserving of someone's time Unheard Unloved Unsafe Untrusted Worthless |
Thanks to Briar Fitzgerald for the suggestions of ignored, hopeless, emotionally dead.
| Feeling Abnormal "Why am I like this? Why am I a zombi? A freak to society? I don't know. I'll never know. Maybe I am just...crazy. How I hate that word." |
Feeling abnormal and afraid
|
| My mother, she
scares me. Oh, God, my shirt is not in the right place, she's going to come here and rip it apart because of it, I have to clean my room. Clean my room, clean my room, clean my room. My keyboard makes a sound, I'm afraid she'll hear that I'm writing again. I'm a bitch and a failure in life, she says, because I wash the dishes too slow. And why is it that I'm not as happy when she makes me do things in the kitchen as when I'm with my friends? And why is it that I'm always sick? And why is it that I have such a goddamn attitude, she says. I don't know Mom, why do you? I don't know mom; maybe I'm sick of life. I don't know Mom; maybe my friends treat me better than you do. But then again, when I whisper to them "my mom scares me" they ignore me every time. At least they don't scare me, Mom, at least they don't. Oh, God, she glanced at me, what if she sees me holding my tears back? Oh, God, help me, she'll start saying the same things to me again. I cross my legs, and suddenly I become a physically retarded person that can't sit or stand right in front of her eyes. Her eyes, scare me, too. And no, Mom, I don't want to be strong anymore. No, Mom, I don't want to be fast and smart like you anymore. I want to wash my dishes slow, I want to walk slowly, I want to be a failure who can enjoy life rather than to see myself as you. And then you wonder: why am I always away from you? And then you wonder: why don't I share my pain with you? And then you say out loud "What am I supposed to do if you can't even clean your room?" And then you punish me, and I deserve it. And then you wonder: why is my towel always wet and not in the right place? From tears, Mom, from tears. Tatiana, 14 |
Here are talking about a time when this person was around 6 or 7 years old
| Volunteer says: | were u afraid of ur mom or dad hitting you back then |
| Nothing to Anyone says: | yeah |
| Volunteer says: | who were u more afraid of |
| Nothing to Anyone says: | my mom Nothing to Anyone says: my dad didnt really hit me.. but he yelled a lot. he didn't start hitting me till after she left him. Nothing to Anyone says: my mom did most of the hitting... |
| Volunteer says: | how would she hit u |
| Nothing to Anyone says: | she'd throw things or
take a spoon and hit me over the back or the face. or she'd slap me across the face. and she shook me a lot and she'd point her finger at me and like push on my chest with her finger. |
In this chat this 13 year old wrote me that she used to tell people she was fine, even when that was a huge lie.
She had just read the story about Mary on my emotional honesty page where Mary killed herself even though she had been telling people everything was fine, just perfect.
| misunderstood says | yeah. i used to do that
all the time. the worst part is being the person who says
it's fine cuz you feel so lost and depressed and no one's there. and no one's there cuz they don't know. it's scary. |
| Volunteer says | u used to tell pple u were fine? |
| misunderstood says | yeah... every day |
| Volunteer says | like who? |
| misunderstood says | teachers, neighbors, my
mom. i was always scared if i told anyone like the
teachers or neighbors or anyone that my mom was hitting me, that they'd tell her. and then my mom would hit me. and if my mom knew i was hurt by what she did, she'd hit me again. once in second grade the teacher wrote something on my report card about how my grades must be failing because of the things going on at home. and when my mom read it, she thought i told the teacher. and she hit me. so after that i told everyone that everything was fine so no one would get upset, so i wouldn't get hit. |
| Question to those interested in emotional intelligence: Was this girl's reaction to her teacher and mother a sign of her innate emotional intelligence? I would argue that it is. She was smart enough to understand the consequences to her if she revealed her true emotions. |
| When they admitted me to the psych ward, it was the
scariest thing ever. The cops showed up at my school and
told me that they were taking me to the Station to have a
little "chat" but they really took me to the
hospital and forced me to talk to some crisis
intervention person. I felt like I was being punished for
being suicidal and I felt like nobody really understood
how I felt. Briar Fitzgerald, 15 |
| Afraid says | i'm scared |
| Volunteer says | yes |
| Afraid says | of everything |
| Volunteer says | i know |
| Afraid says | and everyone |
Feeling alone and unsafe
|
| Volunteer says | Ok, I just got your email. Do you want me to read it now? |
| Approval Seeking says | um, it doesn't matter. actually can we talk first? is that ok? |
| Can i just say i was serious about my mum keeping my passport and bank book and having bells on the door and hiding the back door key etc. She must love control. |
Note how this person says "Can I just say..." This suggests she has learned she must ask permission to speak, to explain and to defend herself. It reminds me of the autobiography of former slave Frederick Douglas who said that slaves in America were not allowed to "utter one word in their defense."
| Utter despair says: | if i mess up then i
cant get a job and i need money to live! but at the same time I want to leave home and school as soon as possible it really makes me upset, frustrated, angry etc so what can i do? right now i feel utter despair *crying loads* |
| Volunteer says: | *hugs* |
| Utter despair says: | i honestly could die
right now *crying so much can barely see screen* what can i do? please help me |
Feeling Deserving of Abuse, Example 1
Here is a 14 year old who tried to kill herself the night before. In this part of the chat we are talking about when her mother would hit her as a child. I asked her who was responsible for her mother getting mad and hitting her. She told me both she and her mother were responsible. Then I asked who was more responsible. Here is the dialogue:
Volunteer says: who was more responsible, u or her? Crying Angel says: well... i made her mad but it was her who had to get so mad and act so crazy
so really... it was both of us. but i guess i was more responsible.
Feeling Deserving of Abuse, Example 2
Next is a 15 year old talking about her step-father who was charged with physically abusing her. On this day she called herself Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'(
The symbol at the end represents her crying, sad face. I have abbreviated her nickname to WYCIYSMC. In this part of the chat I had just asked her how she felt when someone at school found out that her step-father was physically abusing her.
WYCIYSMC :'( says i was really embarassed cuz at the time i blamed myself for wat my stepdad was doing Volunteer says: how come u blamed urself WYCIYSMC :'( says cuz i honestly thought it was my fault...
i thought that if he was hurting me it was cuz I was a brat and i didnt deserve to be treated any better
Later:
Volunteer says: what did he say to justify him hitting u WYCIYSMC :'( says he said that I was a bitch and a slut and that bitches and sluts deserved to die
Volunteer says: then how would u feel WYCIYSMC :'( says horrible. I would lock myself in my room and cry for hours. I thought what he was saying to me was true...
Briar Fitzgerald, Ontario, Canada
Feeling Deserving of Abuse, Example 3
| Volunteer | from 0-10 how much do u
think u deserve to be criticized and cut down by [your mom], in general? |
| Tatiana | i think i deserve everything i get in this life |
| Volunteer | what about if a guy jumped out from an alley and raped you? |
| Tatiana | haha |
| Volunteer | no i am serious, cuz some pple think girls deserve to get raped |
| Tatiana | no, girls don't deserve to get raped |
| Volunteer | k |
| Tatiana | i said i deserve when
my mom yells at me everyday but it teaches me and it makes me write more i guess |
| Volunteer | k what if u liked a guy and he hit
you and said you deserved it, like |
| Tatiana | i had that i was stupid i let him |
| Volunteer | u let him hit u? |
| Tatiana | emotional.........abuse he controlled me |
| Volunteer | like how |
| Tatiana | i dunno in many ways i was obsessed and he took control over it and he played me a lot |
Feeling Deserving of Abuse, Example 4
| Volunteer | hey b |
| Briar | hi |
| Volunteer | how r u |
| Briar | sore |
| Volunteer | how come |
| Briar | my bf beat me up |
| Volunteer | oh no how do u feel emotionally about it |
| Briar | *Shrugs* i deserved it |
| Volunteer | what do u mean |
| Briar | i wouldnt give him wat he wanted |
| Volunteer | like sex? |
| Briar | *nods* |
| Volunteer | hmm. why do u think that means u deserved to be beat up? |
| Briar | it just does |
| Briar | When my stepdad was beating me I felt like it was my
fault. My mother used to ask me "Why do you always have to get him so worked up?" and so I blamed myself. He started abusing me when I was about 8 or 9 and continued to abuse me until I was 14. I called Children's Aid (social services) several times, but they never did anything, so that made me think that it must really have been my fault. My older step-brother even told me once that it
was. |
| Volunteer | what did he say exactly? |
| Briar | I was talking to my step-sister (who's a year younger
than I) about how sore my shoulder and neck were after my stepdad threw me down the stairs and my step-brother walked in and said "It's your fault. You know that my dad gets violent when provoked". It turns out that I had broken my collarbone and shattered 2 ribs |
| Volunteer | so what did u do that was so terrible to "provoke" him? |
| Briar | One of my chores was to vaccum the carpets downstairs
and after having done it, my stepdad complained that it wasn't done well enough so I did it again and he complained again so I did it yet another time and he still complained so I refused to do it again. I was standing at the top of the stairs and he pushed me so that i would fall. |
| Volunteer | wow |
| Briar | he got away with it too he was found "not guilty" of child abuse |
August 18, 2002
In this chat I had been talking to Erica's friend who was with her at her house. He told me she had not said anything in over ten hours. Finally she came to the computer and we started to talk.
| Volunteer | did u get raped again or something? |
| silence | |
| Volunteer | does that mean yes but it is too hard to say it? |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | k |
| Volunteer | tell me about it.... |
| Erica | 3 of |
| pause | |
| Erica | i can't |
| Volunteer | by three people? |
| silence | |
| Volunteer | does that mean yes? |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | oh shit from those people you/ve been hanging out with lately? |
| Erica | no |
| Volunteer | where were they from? |
| Erica | don't know |
| Volunteer | u didn't tell anyone yet? |
| Erica | no |
| Volunteer | oh erica... i am so sorry was it at the party or when? |
| Erica | yeah |
| Erica | i deserved it tho |
| Volunteer | how come? |
| Erica | im a bad person |
| Volunteer | u mean cuz u went to the party and stuff? |
| Erica | i am not a good friend |
| Volunteer | what do u mean |
| Erica | i shouldn't have went |
| Volunteer | u regret it... |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | k |
| Volunteer | hug *tears* |
| Erica | im sorry dont cry |
| Volunteer | u have never said that before |
| Erica | oh |
| Volunteer | it is ok if we cry have u cried since it happened |
| Erica | i cant |
| Volunteer | just numb huh? |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | k |
| Volunteer | did they hurt u physically too? |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | hugs |
| Erica | they should have killed me |
| Volunteer | how come |
| Erica | cuz i dont want to live anymore |
| Volunteer | u feel dirty or something |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | yeah did they say shitty stuff to you too? |
| Erica | yeah |
| Volunteer | like what? |
| Erica | im a whore. quit screaming bitch..stuff like that |
| Volunteer | nice have u thought about calling the cops? |
| Erica | no im not telling anyone |
| Volunteer | how come? |
| Erica | cuz i cant |
| Volunteer | cuz u want to forget it or what |
| Erica | yeah |
| Volunteer | are u thinking of killing urself? |
| Erica | yes |
| Volunteer | somehow i thought u might say that oh Erica u never did anything to deserve getting raped that is hard for u to believe huh? |
| Erica | yeah |
| Volunteer | if aj or bren got raped at a party would u think they deserved it? |
| Erica | no they dont do drugs or cheat on their boyfriends or cut themselves tho |
| Volunteer | u really dont like urself right now huh? |
| Erica | hate myself im a sick person im bad |
See this example
| once i told someone about her hitting me and throwing
me around and stuff. you know, people are always saying "tell someone if you're being hurt" etc. i was 11. they believed me until my mum got involved. they believed her. she made it all out to be my fault, accused me of telling lies for "attention" (like i would make something serious like that up). it's like they couldn't not believe her... |
| Volunteer | hey why dont u want ur dad to report ur mom? |
| Disbelieved | i dont know. i really dont i guess i'm afraid nobody will believe me like last time |
| Volunteer | yeah understandable do u think ur dad will believe u? |
| Disbelieved | i don't know because i don't talk to him about stuff like that |
| i don't like anybody knowing how i
think, & i will not let anybody from school or wherever know my feelings |
| I don't feel well right now...Matter of fact, I feel
like drawing a sharp edge against the smooth flesh on my
wrist. It would feel nice...and it would make me so much
better. I feel empty. Like I am missing something...something I can never catch because I view it as something off limits to me. Like I am not good enough to have it. Not now, and not ever. |
| Briar | i don't want to see my mom |
| Volunteer | how come |
| Briar | cuz...she doesn't call me EVER |
| Volunteer | do u feel hated by her? |
| Briar | *nods* |
chat August 18, 2002
Hatred -
In this chat the person is telling me about being forced to go to a mental hospital.
| Volunteer | so tell me what happened... |
| Forced | ok. i was at school. i told the counselor about my cutting and suicide attempts. he called and the police. i didn't want to go to the hospital because of my deathly fear of mental hospitals. but they made me. the police said you have to go or else. they put me in a cop car. drove me to the local hospital and got me medically cleared. then from there they put me in an ambulance and strapped me down and took me to the mental health hospital in another town. so i had to give my dad a list of things he should get for me at home. he brought them to me while i rode in the cop car. |
| Volunteer | why did they strap u down? and how did u feel about it? |
| Forced | i have no idea and i felt scared i was crying i wanted to sit up |
| Volunteer | u werent fighting with them or anything? |
| Forced | no |
| Volunteer | wow |
| Forced | i know i felt like a fucking prisoner "it's just standard procedure" the lady said. |
| Volunteer | did that help u feel any better? |
| Forced | no. i didn't care. i wasn't doing anything wrong. i wasn't going to try to leave or run away. |
| Volunteer | did they ask u how u felt about going? |
| Forced | no, they just said i
had to go and that it was best for me |
| Volunteer | did they ask how would feel about being strapped down? |
| Forced | no |
| Volunteer | did they ask how you were feeling at any point in the process? |
| Forced | no |
| Volunteer | how do u feel about that now? |
| Forced | i feel hatred |
| Volunteer | why do u feel hatred? |
| Forced | cuz i hate what they
did to me i begged and pleaded with them to not make me go then they said i couldn't even go
home to get my own stuff, that my dad would have to get
it |
| last night was so
horrible. here is what happened in order: she punched my arm grabbed my jaw grabbed my arm threw me onto the sofa slapped my leg attempted to strangle me (yes! i had to fight her off) that is the truth. it's not surprising, really. she hadn't done it for a while. i guess it was building up. what a sick twisted person. she then told me to piss off and never come back and locked me out. but i couldn't go because i had nothing with me except the shoes on my feet and the clothes i was wearing. no money, no phone, no nothing. i came back after walking round the block and banged on the door. she screamed at me not to abuse her property. she said i was a disgrace to the family. she said she should have taken me to the doctor years ago but it's too late to help me now. whatever. i'm past caring. i'm used to the shit that she spews. i don't know what to do. how can i get counselling? i have no money. well i do but you know she keeps my bank book. for fucks sake it is in my name. that reminds me, i'm also never allowed any money again. or never allowed on the computer at her house. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this |
| visitor says: | i hate my mum at dinner i said "isn't it a bit strict, all these rules? mum: i didn't ask for your opinion (angry voice) |
Invalidated, Example 1 - Turn off the water works
Invalidated, Example 2- Yelled at for crying
Volunteer Can u think of a way that your dad invalidates u? GoInG iNsAnE he'll tell me to stop crying.... ever heard the expresion.. "turn off the water works"? Volunteer no, actually I haven't heard that one GoInG iNsAnE he says that to me all the time! or he'll tell me i'm full of shit if i try to explain how i feel Volunteer wow... no wonder u feel suicidal GoInG iNsAnE my mom does it too if i start to cry she starts to feel bad so she tells me to stop crying
Sensitive Poet i hate my night class
and everyone hates me there, so i come out crying every time and she yells at me cause
of that
| oh i am thinking way too much too! about absolutely everything. constantly. i know what you mean...it can get really overwhelming. |
| i just want to say that i am filled with so much passion for everything. i can never let it out because there is no-one that understands. |
| sometimes i say "no" to my mother. but she keeps pressurising and i eventually have to back down and "accept" what she says (although i don't accept it. i just let her think that so she goes away and stops making me feel like shit) |
See also Pressured by a School Friend
Feeling Responsible, Example 1
Here someone is telling me that she is feeling responsible for, Jeremy, her online ex-boyfriend, having a car accident. She said he had the accident because he went out driving when he was angry at her. She told me he was angry at her because (a) she broke up with him after he made her so crazy she almost killed herself (what she means by "crazy" is making her feel guilty and responsible for his feelings), and ( b) because a male friend of hers likes her.
While we are chatting she is also talking to, Brian, who is Jeremy's friend. Jeremy is the one who just told her about the accident.
Here is an excerpt from the chat
Volunteer says wow. what a mess Wanna die says *tear* i know, and it's all my fault too Volunteer says y is it your fault Wanna die says because i broke up with him
becasue he got mad at me and ran rite into a semiVolunteer says so u feel responsible? Wanna die says yeah, this is the kind of thing that is making me wanna die rite now!
Volunteer says what do you mean Wanna die says because jeremy hates me now! Volunteer says I still don't see how you are to blame, he didn't have to get angry Wanna die says yes he did... Volunteer says he was probably unhappy before he met you Wanna die says no he wasn't
he was happy before i met him, then when i told him I was a cutter
he would say he was going to kill himself
thats my fault too
Volunteer says hmm i don't know.....maybe i just shouldn't come on here anymore,
i've got one friend liking me, one ex boy friend wanting to kill himself....and it's all my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Volunteer says r u still talking to brian? yeah, but i don't want to because all he's doing is making me feel more guilty Volunteer says what is he saying? Wanna die says Jeremy got mad at you and ran into a semi, you shouldn't of broke his heart,
i was here when he read your email and he started crying and broke his
door when he slammed it
*tears* it's all my fault
| last night was horrible.. i had the worst fight with jon.. i think its mostly my fault.. hell, it is mostly my fault.. shit usually is.. |
Self Hatred, Example 1
| visitor | i hate myself so much |
| Volunteer | y? |
| visitor | well isn't it obvious? |
Self Hatred, Example 2 -See Multiple Feelings- example 15
In this chat I am talking to someone who, who I will call Emma, who has cut herself and has felt suicidal. In the past several days I had been spending a lot of time with her because of some serious problems at home. Then another friend of mine came on line, who I will call Sensitive Former Cutter, SFC. I had just told Emma that I felt really sad to think of her cutting herself. She wanted to know why it bothered me. Like many of these people they don't think they are worth anyone crying over them or feeling bad when they are hurting. But because SFC had come online and I had not talked to her for several days, I told her I would explain why I felt bad later. This is where this part of the chat begins
| Volunteer | k i will tell u later |
| Emma | y later? i have to go like 15 mins ago |
| Volunteer | cuz SFC is on and i want to talk to her. i feel guilty for neglecting her |
| Emma | ah shit it is all me bye i feel sooooooooooooooo bad SHIT how could i have been so FUCKING SELFISH bye |
| Volunteer | lol |
| Emma | no really |
| Volunteer | she just came on, silly |
| Emma | i feel so bad so so so so so bad im so sorry bye FOR REAL *tear* |
Then she disconnected. My question is where would someone already get such a distorted view of themselves by age 14? I was so surprised by her intense guilt and self-condemnation that I copied what she said and showed it to SFC. Here is that part of our chat.
| Volunteer | read this...
|
| SFC | lol |
| Volunteer | Here is more...
|
| SFC | whoa |
| Volunteer | then she disconnected |
| SFC | wow |
| Volunteer | what do u make of that? |
| SFC | i have no idea. i've never heard someone get so upset
over me just getting on and you wanting to talk to me... please tell me she's being sarcastic |
| Volunteer | no she isnt the sarcastic type she really feels bad and she really hung up... and she hasn't come back online |
| SFC | wow i hope she really wasn't crying |
| Volunteer | i think she really was |
More examples
| Selfish, ex.2 my mother always tells me i'm like my dad, as an insult. she says i'm selfish. she always says it. am i selfish, typing out this selfish self-centered email? i feel selfish. i feel like shit -- Selfish, ex.3 i am selfish because i go on and on about my problems. -- Selfish, ex.4 it feels like i am being really selfish. -- Selfish, ex.5 i feel...should i write how i feel? it just seems so selfish right now. writing "i" and "feel". |
Selfish, ex 6 (TSIS = Thinks she is selfish)
| Volunteer says | ok, what about the idea u are selfish? |
| TSISsays | i don't know where that
came from. maybe i just am. or maybe it's the best insult she can find because she thinks my dad is selfish and im related |
| Volunteer says | how does she want u to feel when she says it |
| TSIS says | she wants me to feel bad. definitely. but i don't know why she thinks i'm selfish. i honestly don't. maybe that sounds really conceited but it's not like i don't share or lend things to people. i always try to make sure i don't even appear selfish because i don't want her shouting at me saying i'm selfish |
See multiple feelings example 12
Today this person chose the name "No words can describe how I feel." When we started the chat she was reading an email from me. I asked if she wanted to finish reading the mail or talk first. She said the mail. So I told her to let me know when she was finished. "..." is what people often say when they don't know what to say.
| Nwcdhif | ok i am finished |
| Nwcdhif | i can talk now |
| Nwcdhif | ... |
| Nwcdhif | ... |
| Nwcdhif | hello |
| Nwcdhif | please come back |
| Nwcdhif | i'm sorry. i should have just talked to you while you were here |
Later...
| Volunteer | ok what do u want to say first? |
| Nwcdhif | i don't know. i jusy want to talk about anything |
| Nwcdhif | *just |
| Nwcdhif | sorry |
Feeling Threatened Example 1
| She told me to get to bed or she said she would put me out on the road. |
Feeling Threatened Example 2 - See multiple feelings, example 9
Trapped, Example 1 - need to get away
| i really need to get away.. just for a little while.. ya know? |
| Could you ever forgive my self-pity? says: |
sorry, i have to go
soon, in two minutes i am timed on the computer. how stupid. it's not like we pay. also, i am only allowed on every three days. i get 45 minutes and an hour on the weekend we also have rules: ready for bed at 8, in rooms at 9, light out at 10 i feel so trapped!!!!!!!! |
| Volunteer says: | how old are u? |
| Could you ever forgive my self-pity? says: |
14 |
april 25
Steve, i am sorry but you do not understand my mother. she is very hard to explain. she denies to herself that she hurts me, it's obvious. i said to her the other day, after she pushed me (there are so many incidents there is no point in writing them all down. well, there have been recently) "what gives you the right to push me?" she got so angry. she said she was allowed to because she has control over me etc. she sounded so convinced that it was fine, everything she does is fine "because it's within the law". she said that. well maybe it is. i should probably shut up then. email may 12 |
| i don't know what i am going to do. i have felt like dying for a while now. i did read your entry where you said you didn't want anyone else to die, but.. i can't take it. i feel physically weak and emotionally tired. each day it is a little harder to make the effort to get up and live. i feel so alone. i want to cry. i need to cry. i am crying now. there is no point in me living. |
See also multiple feelings example 12, example 13
| i also want to thank you. you know the other day, when you said all that stuff about crying? and you know how i said that my mother has always told me it is bad to cry and how i find it hard? well, thanks to you, i can cry a little bit more now. last night, i felt really down and some tears came. at first i as trying to force them back, but then i thought about you and thought "i don't care what she thinks anymore" and cried, really cried, about everything. almost all night. so thank you. |
During this chat we were talking about what people need when they are feeling suicidal. I am asking what this person thinks they need the most in their own life.
| Volunteer says | take a look at my list
of needs again and tell me what u need most here is the link -- www.eqi.org/needs.htm |
| Someone please shoot me says | K hold on.... probly accepted nobody accepts me. they don't accept that
i'm a goth, that i do drugs, that i cut, |
Once I was getting frustrated with someone because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. I said "grrrr" to show my frustration. Then I realized I was frustrated because I wanted this person do be different than she was. And then I felt bad because I know how important acceptance is and how little she feels accepted by her parents.
Here is that part of the chat.
| Volunteer | Did u get the file? |
| Feels Unaccepted | well, unless i am dreaming i did |
| Feels Unaccepted | but u probably wanted a simple answer, so yes, i did |
| Volunteer | grrrr |
| Feels Unaccepted | what? |
| Volunteer | nothing |
| Feels Unaccepted | what?? |
| Volunteer | lol |
| Feels Unaccepted | please tell me y u said grrrr |
| Volunteer | yes I wanted a simple answer! |
| Feels Unaccepted | y don't u accept me? |
| Volunteer | sorry. i guess i do
want to change u... how much do u feel accepted by me? |
| Feels Unaccepted | about 4... |
| Volunteer | oh no! that is
horrible. bad me.... |
| Feels Unaccepted | this is great isn't
it.... confirming everything. it just reinforces the self-hatred see, even other people want to change me i am just not good enough |
| Volunteer | k -- i am going to work
on it 4 is way too low i am glad i asked i promise to start working on it will u help me? |
| Feels Unaccepted | i dont see how i can |
| Volunteer | when u feel me trying
to change u or not accepting u, please tell me or write me about it later when u realize it i am sorry i really am |
| Feels Unaccepted | it's okay. apology accepted. |
| Volunteer | *feels really guilty and bad* |
| Feels Unaccepted | why do u feel so bad, i said it was okay |
| Volunteer | cuz i like u and want
to accept u not change u and cuz it hurts u when u dont feel accepted and i dont want to be like everyone else and i feel hypocritical nuff reasons? lol |
| Feels Unaccepted | u r not like everyone
else i know. u dont need to worry about that and i didnt ask for a fucking essay |
| Volunteer | lol, ok |
| Feels Unaccepted | lol |
| Some want it. Some of us have it. Others hate the
people who have it or want it. It's popularity. Maybe i
don't have the most popular journal but i honestly hope
people read this. That request is just another one of the
millions of examples of someone wanting to be accepted. My mom used to tell me, "it's not the quantity, it's the quality." which has truth. But who wouldn't feel better about themselves if they had 20 people surrounding them everyday. I admit to wanting that. I smile. I Laugh. I join in. I take control in bad situations. And yet, it's not me who has the popular social life. it's the other person. When i was younger guys used to swarm to be around me. they would fight over who was going to walk me to school. I loved it. And then, we went to middle school. There were more popular and prettier girls then me. The day i stepped into middle school was the day, the guys quit walking me to school. It was also the start of my decline in self-esteem. People are always saying that maybe you should change the way you act, or your attitude, or your cloths. so i changed. but popularity is still evasive. It seems as though the only people who don't judge me by the way i dress are the kids known to most as "the druggies" -- they accepted me unconditionally. More so than my best friends at times. And quite frankly that scares me. People wonder why kids go off and do drugs and have low self-esteem and dress like punks. maybe it's because the people they hang out with, even if they do do things society finds unacceptable, at least they aren't judgmental........ When i met them, i quit trying to impress everyone else and be popular, and i started feeling better about me. But what price will i pay for a higher self-esteem? |
| Volunteer | how much do u feel cared about by your mother? |
| Uncared about | 0 |
| Volunteer | and by your father? |
| Uncared about | 1 |
I will call this person "Doesn't believe she is pretty." She had just told me that a male friend of hers told her she was pretty and that it felt "weird" to hear that.
| DBSIP | that was the first time anybody has called me pretty. i can't be. if i was then why have i never had a boyfriend or even a date? |
In this part of the chat Crying Angel is telling me that she doesn't deserve her boyfriend's love. She writes:
He loves me so much and cares about me so much. He writes me love letters that make me cry. He listens to me whine about my problems. He's great! and what do i give him in return? I try to kill myself...
I told her it sounded like she didn't feel deserving of his love and here is some of the chat which followed:
Crying Angel says right. i dont deserve him. Volunteer says how deserving do u feel 0-10?
Crying Angel says umm... 3.. maybe.
i mean.. i love him, and i think i make him happy and everything, but it's not nearly enough.
he is the best and im the worst.Volunteer says why do u think u are the worst Crying Angel says i try to kill myself. i am not happy all the time or smiling or laughing or fun. im not fun.
and he is. he is so great and so... PERFECT. but, i... i am not. Im depressing and dangerous.
Volunteer says k what else don't u like about yourself Crying Angel says i dont like anything about myself. my personality... my looks... i am a freak... Volunteer says k what else Crying Angel says i dont know what else... i just hate myself. and i find it very confusing how he or anyone
can see the good in me...Volunteer says so is there anything good about you at all? Crying Angel says no
there isn't...
Volunteer says how deserving of love do u feel? M says do you mean how much i think i deserve love? Volunteer says yes M says hmm... mostly i think 0. but sometimes i think "why doesn't anybody love me?" and then it is probably 2 or 3
Undeserving of Someone's Time, Example 1 In this example, we have just started talking.
| visitor says | if you want to go then u can, i don't mind |
| Volunteer says | thanks but i would
rather talk to u how do u feel about that? lol |
| visitor says | um... surprised |
| Volunteer says | yeah no one has treated u like u r worth their time, huh? |
| visitor says | yeah. nobody. not really. |
chat may 11, 2002
Another day...
| visitor says | why don't you go and talk to someone better |
| Volunteer says | u are feeling really bad, huh, worthless again? |
| visitor says | always. i am. |
| Volunteer says | u can't understand why i talk to u... |
| visitor says | no! |
chat july 21, 2002
Once I was having a chat with a 13 year old. We were talking about why her father didn't understand her.
| Volunteer | why do u think he doesnt understand u? |
| Unknown | he doesnt even KNOW me! |
| Volunteer | what do u mean? |
| Unknown | he doesnt know what i
think about things, he doesnt even know *that* i think about things... he doesnt know what i believe or why... he doesn't know why i do the things i do... like he doesnt know why ...i hate school and always get in trouble there... he doesnt know why i like my friends or what i like about them... i could go on and on |
| Volunteer | k how do u think it got like that? |
| Unknown | well when i was going
to that private school i would try to explain things to him, like why i didnt do the work. see we had this stupid class called "memory" where we had to memorize parts of an old book. i thought that was totally pointless so i never did it and i failed the tests all the time. the teacher would talk to my dad about it and he would get angry at me and start yelling at me. if i argued back he would hit me. he never listened to why i didnt like it. he just ignored me. |
| Volunteer | that must have hurt more than him yelling at u |
| Unknown | it did. once i stood there and tried to
explain myself for like 30 minutes, but |
| Volunteer | do u think anyone could ever love u |
| Unlovable | no |
| Volunteer | yeah i used to feel
that way too undeserving of love unlovable unworthy of love is that how u feel? |
| Unlovable | yes |
Briar Fitzgerald, 15
| Untrusting | can i ask you something |
| Volunteer | sure |
| Untrusting | can i trust you? like, really trust? |
| Volunteer | lol how can i answer that? |
| Untrusting | no, don't take it the wrong way |
| Volunteer | u have to decide... i think so, but trust is in you |
| Untrusting | i find it hard to trust people |