Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com
Human Emotional Needs
Here are some of the basic human emotional needs expressed as feelings. While all humans share these needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more water, more food or more sleep. One person may need more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social connections. One may have a greater curiosity and a greater need for understanding, while another is content to accept whatever is told to him.
In various degrees, each according to his or her own unique nature, we each have a natural emotional need to feel:
| accepted acknowledged admired appreciated approved of believed in capable challenged clear (not confused) competent confident forgiven forgiving |
free fulfilled heard helped helpful important in control included listened to loved needed noticed powerful |
private productive / useful reassured recognized respected safe / secure supported treated fairly trusted understandng understood valued worthy |
Below is an earlier, longer list.
See also the page on "Human Givens"
Emotional Needs and Schools
One of the problems I have observed in typical schools around the world is the treatment of all children and teenagers as if their emotional and psychological needs were identical. The result is many young people's needs are unsatisfied. They then become frustrated, as any of us do when our needs are unmet. They act out their frustration in various ways which are typically seen as "misbehavior." This has been especially evident to me when I have seen teachers try to get all the students do the same thing for the same length of time. The schools which do a better job of meeting the students' individual needs tend to have fewer problems. (See May 2005 note)
It is natural for us to seek attention. This is especially true when we are in need. For example, if you were drowning, would you want attention? If your house were on fire, would you want attention?
I also believe it is natural for us to want attention when we believe we have something important to say, for instance if we wanted to warn someone of a danger. If you knew that a building were on fire with people inside, would you want others' attention even if you were not in danger?
I have heard parents say "Ignore him. He just wants attention." To me this is similar to saying, "Don't feed him. He is just hungry."
| accepted accepting accomplished acknowledged admired alive amused appreciated appreciative approved of attention capable challenged clear (not confused) competent confident developed educated empowered focused forgiven forgiving |
free fulfilled grown or growing happy heard helped helpful important in control included independent interested knowledgeable listened to loved needed noticed open optimistic privacy productive |
protected proud reassured recognized relaxed respected safe satisfied secure significant successful supported treated fairly understanding understood useful valued worthy |
I originally wrote this section before I started doing work with suicidal teens. Now I see that if the children's emotional needs remain unmet, they are good candidates for serious mental health problems by the time they reach their teen years.
S. Hein
Stephane Moriou, the president of Business Psychology Consultants in Paris, once asked me how I came up with the list of human emotional needs. I told him that I saw a short list of emotional needs in the book Caring and Sharing: Becoming a Peer Facilitator, then I thought about my own emotional needs and expanded the list. Since then I have reviewed and revised the list from time to time, but that is how I originally got started.
S. Hein
Here is are a few questions from interesting little test of how well your emotional needs are being met...