Emotional Intelligence Home Page

Amee Flynn

 

Amee is studying to be a teacher in the UK. She is originally from the USA. She first wrote to me in the year 2001 when she was 19. Her father was addicted to heroin. She had to raise herself and him. Her mother would leave her to go sleep with other men. Now she is trying to help children so they won't have to experience what she did. Here is some of our correspondence and some of Amee's writing about her life. Amee is one of the people who help me feel useful by helping me believe I am making a difference in the life of someone who will in turn make a difference in the lives of many.

Amee is the author of this story on emotional abuse in a primary school. She can be reached at acidbathed...... (is this okay?) This page is created with her permission.

Letters to me from Amee

Various Chats, page 1

Chats, page 2

Chats, page 3

 


Letters to me:

 

Hi!

I thought I'd heard the last of you. I was feeling a bit disappointed.

Well, this month I've been at placement again. Same teachers, same
problems - but when children run over and hug me on a regular basis, it
helps my feelings immensely. I don't really want to pile all of my problems
onto you, though; in general, I think I'm doing pretty well. Hit a few bumps
along the way, but I still get up and go in the morning. I can't've lost all
my spark! :)

What kind of workshops are you setting up? I bet it's nice and warm there -
I had to come home early today because of rapidly falling snow. I'll
probably be stuck in the house for another two weeks now, but it's a rest!
:)

Thanks for getting back in contact, btw! It means a lot to me.

--Amee

==========

Here Amee is responding to my mail telling her I felt inspired and supported by her.

Steve,

I feel very happy knowing that I make some sort of difference. I hope
you don't get too worried by my occasional loss of self-esteem...I'm still
in the process of recovering from my childhood. Some of my most loved &
trusted family members said terrible things to me when I was a little girl,
so I'm only just learning that healthy friends won't do that. I always knew
they "shouldn't," but then, I had a lot of other "fantasies" that didn't
quite match the world I lived in.

I was one of those "too sensitive" girls all through school. But then,
everybody completely ignored the fact that I had an addict father to deal
with. I do feel bitter about it. I do feel angry, and cheated, and a little bit
puzzled. Why didn't they stop to give it some thought? Did I have to be a
"bad kid"?

Still, I consider these memories a very valuable tool for dealing with
children myself. If I remember what was wrong, I can fix it for others.

That's why your words are worth so much to me, apart from your just being a
really cool person - I get the chance to feel understood, to feel backed up,
to feel kinship and to feel like I have a good influence as well as plenty
of bad ones.

About me getting hugs from the kids, yes it is very nice. But since I feel
scared of her I wouldn't be surprised if most of the children feel
the same way, only moreso...

You said you liked how open I am..
Y'know, I think your website actually helped me a lot with that. I've always
wanted to be open, but with society's preconceptions of how-people-behave,
it seemed like it wasn't even possible. Your site was also the first to
suggest I "own my feelings," which makes sense to me. And I used to let my
fear control me when dealing with other people...I felt terrified of their
reactions. I'm healing slowly, but I still have a long way to go.

*hugs*

Take care of yourself :)

--Amee

====

excerpts from another letter -

I really want to learn more about EQ. I guess I feel like I've lost a bit of
the EQ I had as a child; you know, usual wear & tear of everyday life. I've
bought a copy of Emotional Intelligence and found that the description of
the mainly-intellectual-based female sounded too much like me for my own
comfort. I think that has a lot to do with my discomfort at people's
previous reactions when I expressed myself, rather than not feeling/not
understanding my emotions. I guess everybody starts from somewhere!

Did you ever read those attachments I sent ages back, btw? I should really
edit those and put them on a webpage somewhere. It's funny, I want to think
that I'm not out for recognition, but I know I am. Maybe society's put too
much stigma on seeking self-worth; ego, they call it. They don't seem to
like it.

I've done an essay for college on the adult role in caring for children
recently, as well. It needs a bit of tweaking here and there, but I feel
proud of it. If you'd ever like to read that I'd be more than happy to
share! :)

In any case, in the next couple of weeks, I'm supposed to go back into work
experience placement. ...With the same woman. I feel a bit distressed, but
guilty that I'm considering getting transferred to somewhere else. I feel
obligated to stick it out now that I've got the kids attached to me. One
little boy called me "the nicest teacher;" How can I leave them to bear that
abuse by themselves when they saw me that way?

I'd like your thoughts, feelings, and advice on this matter. I respect your
opinions and though I may not follow the advice, it would mean a lot to me.

Jeeze, I've been selfish all throughout this message. How're *you* feeling?
I hope life is running smoothly over there. Anything new happening for you?

Take care,
--Amee

====

*SEVERE frustration, annoyance, and a bit of dispair!!*

I just typed out a LONG, long reply for you and a very naughty Windows
program forwarded me to it's "Register me" page!! Aggghhh. Now the message
is lost and I don't want to remember everything I tried to say before that
happened. *deflates*

Well...anyway. I'd love to chat at some point, too. That'd be neat. It seems
I'm never online at the right time though, which is unfortunate.

I always really look forward to emailing you. Sometimes I get a sinking
feeling when I finish a message, though, like "Oh gawd, I've said all the
wrong things in this message"...Not from any invalidation from you, mind,
but I've got hardly any confidence in my ability to *not* offend people.

Still, hope to hear from you soon...

--Amee

====

Another letter...

>Thanks for writing about the children in the school, Amee.

You're more than welcome, Steve :)
I first came to you with this story because of how your site and own words
seemed to reflect my feelings and many of my opinions.
I don't feel that you need to thank me, because it seems that you've earned
this whole thing yourself.
Besides, having this story put on such a respected website makes me feel
like you're helping me fix this, and I deeply appreciate that.

>That brought tears to my eyes.

It's funny, that's not the first time my writing has done that, and I've
always been surprised at their effectiveness. I always feel like I'm either
being to rigid or too dramatic, depending on the approach I take.
This one wasn't too difficult tho, mostly because I figured out a sort of
formula for it and stuck to it. I tried to stick to established facts -
things that happened, things that I thought and felt. And I made sure to
define each as which type it was.
I do kind of feel proud of it, now that I think about it. It serves it's
purpose and takes a lot of pressure off me...it's funny how much something
like a story can seem to have weighed, and only after you've got it off your
shoulders.

>I wish every child in the class could read this. And every child in the
>world actually.

Maybe they will someday. Maybe I'll get a chance to sit them down and say it
in direct words. Then maybe they could even tell me more about how they
experienced it...

>I am going to change a few details to make it more annonymous then put it
>on
>my site.  I'd like to give you a big hug. That must have been hard for you
>to write, and I see that it has been hard for you to watch this on a daily
>basis. You sound like a very determined person. I feel honored to have you
>as a friend and colleague let's say. You are a very powerful writer.

Thank you...again, I feel amazed at how well my words have come across.

>So you must be a very powerful person. Thanks again. I feel kind of humbled
>actually. These words I am writing write now don't convey the depth of my
>feelings. I am in trance like state, partly because I just woke up, was
>feeling lonely and discouraged, but mostly because your words themselves
>had >such impact on me.

Still, you may be surprised - I've always sensed emotion behind your typed
words.

>You have just helped me realize something. That whoever I
>am with as a girfriend/partner has to feel equally strongly about children
>and protecting them. I don't know if xxx feels this way. I don't think she
>does. I love her but I am feeling more doubts about her as being my life
>partner.

It can be upsetting when things don't turn out as you've expected, huh?
I had a boy once I wanted to marry until he left me for another girl.
I can't believe he chose her!
It's funny, I just about said I was frustrated about that but now I realise
I'm not anymore. I hope you can find the peace I'm feeling right now.

>Anyhow, thanks for writing this and thanks for listening to me about xxx.

No problem :)

I just watched Moulin Rouge...have you seen it? I'm not sure whether to feel
awestruck, impressed, or just kinda cheated. It was all flash and colour,
shock value. There weren't even really characters - Christian and Satine,
cutout lovers. It wanted to be Cabaret and Titanic and Romeo+Juliet all at
once.
Still, sometimes even shock value can inspire emotion... And part of the
whole thing tells me I could be a brilliant storyteller if I could ever get
these worlds in my head down into a manuscript or screenplay.

Such big thoughts for a girl who really just wants to watch children.
Sometimes I think I want to do everything, all myself.

Maybe if I do a story with kids in it? ;)

*hugs* Take care, sugah.

--Amee

 


Chats

Here is an example of her playfulness from our first chat...

Amee says:
Steve!
Amee says:
*hides behind the couch just in case ya heard her...so that she can
jump out at ya or something)
Amee says:
Gahh! There be lint back here. (pirate voice)
Amee says:
Well...fine then. Ignore me. I'm going to go find a journal type
thing to open
steve says:
hang on
steve says:
can u?
Amee says:
No problem

==

Chat with her boyfriend and her

steve says:
hey
Amee says:
hi Steve
Amee says:
This is Richard.. Amee's not here right now
Amee says:
she should be back soon tho
steve says:
ah okay
steve says:
how are u Richard?
steve says:
nice to meet you!
Amee says:
Pretty good.. having one of those "brain won't wake up" days, but good all the same.. You?
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
btw - Amee showed me around a bit of your website - great site, and it's some really great work you're doing.
steve says:
thanks
steve says:
did u see the stuff she wrote?
Amee says:
Yeah. Powerful stuff.. she really has a way with words
steve says:
yeah she does!
Amee says:
*grin* and don't I know it.. after all, I fell in love with her in a chat room
steve says:
lol
steve says:
where were u guys living then?
Amee says:
I was here, in the UK , and she was in Seattle
steve says:
no way!
Amee says:
Has she told you about the first time we met in real life?.. that was mindblowing..
steve says:
no!
steve says:
tell me and i will brb
Amee says:
Well, at the time, I was desperately seeking work to get enough money together to go and see her, but living here, in the middle of nowhere, there's not a lot of work about at the best of times
Amee says:
so it was all kinda getting to me, started to feel I'd never be able to go see her..
Amee says:
round about that time, one day, I was sitting in here, surfing the net, the usual.. and there's a knock at my bedroom door. I just called out "yeah?", figuring it was my dad, or something, and... in walks Amee!!
Amee says:
To say I was gobsmacked would be an understatement
steve says:
no way!!! r u serious??????
Amee says:
She arranged the whole thing, completely in secret. Flew over here all by her self (having never flown before), arranged for my parents to pick her up from the airport, the whole thing
Amee says:
I didn't have a clue about it until she walked in!!
steve says:
omng
Amee says:
So, yeah, basically, she walked into my real-life at that moment, and ever since, we've been bouncing back and forth between here and the US, happily ever after
steve says:
wow
Amee says:
the only real down-side is that we've always got some kind of timelimit hanging over our heads - either how long she can stay here, or how long I can stay in the US
Amee says:
and while we plan to get married, which will fix that, we don't want to marry for that reason - i.e. we want it to be about *us*, and not about circumventing a timelimit
steve says:
yeah i understand
Amee says:
but hey, a few hassles with immigrations are a small price to pay to be with the most wonderful person I've ever met
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
btw, while I was looking at your site (can't remember if it was eqi, or one of your diaries), I read the post about the youth-worker guy who kept intimidating the kids, and generally being a complete a*hole.. it was really good to see someone like that get a verbal takedown from someone who knows what they're talking about. I had PE teachers at school exactly like that guy
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
what a fuck head
steve says:
i asked his boss if she wanted my feedback and she hasn't written me since!
Amee says:
lol.. and there's me being all subtle, and asterisking my expletives
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
Gah. So much for accountability
Amee says:
but then, it's the same old story with education
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
say do there in the UK?
Amee says:
At the moment, I'm not working. I'd really like to work in software development
Amee says:
problem is, while my actual skills aren't too shabby, I don't have a whole lot in the way of paperwork to say I'm competent. So at some point, I need to go get a degree. I -was- once on a degree course, but I was 16 at the time, and rather foolishly got myself expelled for hacking the college network.. Ooops.
steve says:
lol
steve says:
good move
Amee says:
really stupid thing is, they didn't have any proof, merely suspected. But when they grilled me about it, I crumbled, and admitted everything. I should'a said "Show me the proof.. better yet, show it to my lawyer"
steve says:
yeah, too bad they didn't reward you for your honesty and intelligence, or at least not punish you for it
Amee says:
yeah, really.

Amee says:
Amee's here now, btw
Amee says:
<Amee here now> Hi, Steve!!
Amee says:
So you've spoken to Rich! I'm so pleased
steve says:
yeah?
Amee says:
He told me you chatted for a few minutes and you seemed cool.
steve says:
*smile*
steve says:
hey did i ask u about starting a diary... i'd like u to start ur own
Amee says:
I have done It's not got much in it yet...
steve says:
oh!
Amee says:
the name is....xxxx
steve says:
k
yeah i found it
steve says:
*smile*
steve says:
i am really happy you started one
steve says:
i really want u to write in it ..heaps....every day!
steve says:
you have a lot to say
Amee says:
I will do It's just like it says on that page, sometimes I'm not sure what to start with
steve says:
that is worth saying
steve says:
well i'd like you to write more memories of how u were raised
steve says:
how you were talked to, when you were hit etc
Amee says:
I've also got imaginary stories to share and stuff. Which may be less...what's the word? Well, less important (for lack of the word I wanted) than true stories, but is still expression nonetheless
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
Hey, have you ever read The Little Prince?
steve says:
yeah i have read it
steve says:
in three languages
Amee says:
Amee says:
Y'know, they wouldn't read that in high school. The teacher said the other kids "wouldn't get it"
steve says:
wow
Amee says:
She was a nice teacher but jeeze, she was lost.
Amee says:
She used to insist that "Girls fart roses"...My response was "OW."
Amee says:
I think it was complete denial of any negativity in human nature. The worst thing she was willing to think of was roses
steve says:
weird
Amee says:
She was ultra girlie tho. Half my size and insisted she was huge.
steve says:
sounds pretty dumb
Amee says:
Well, I was in a special needs class
steve says:
how come?
Amee says:
"behavioural difficulties"
steve says:
ur kidding
Amee says:
Basically, I acted out due to my family problems. My teachers knew from about 2nd grade on that my dad was on heroin and my mum used to run away from home regularly
Amee says:
But they did *nothing* because they were ignorant, or afraid, or apathetic. I don't know
Amee says:
It makes me feel resentful, but again, it's a feeling I want to keep in order to help others
steve says:
wow
Amee says:
I used to scream, throw things, bite teachers, and everything. The way I see it now, I literally *screamed* for help and somehow nobody heard the message
steve says:
i am so sick of hearing of this stuff ...like they always blame the kid and say they have a disorder and blah blah blah
Amee says:
Good, cos I'm gonna fix it for ya
Amee says:
I'm probably going to write to my old schools pretty soon. If I remember the names of people from my own schools who emotionally abused me, I'd give those and the stories to you
steve says:
good
steve says:
hey did u see what i wrote at the end of your stories?
steve says:
on eqi.org
Amee says:
Yes, read it last night. I was so pleased I showed Rich and he hugged me
Amee says:
Steve, do you believe in spirituality at all?
steve says:
not much at all
steve says:
why do u ask
Amee says:
How about childhood beliefs?
steve says:
what do u mean
Amee says:
Well, I have some. I think it might be interesting to share but depending on your viewpoint, the reactions could range dramatically
steve says:
lol
steve says:
i like u
steve says:
did u know that?
Amee says:
: )
Amee says:
I think you've mentioned it...
steve says:
u make me laugh and cry
Amee says:
At least I can say these beliefs had (have?) some weight - they kept a little girl sane
steve says:
yeah good point
steve says:
that is what i think about them...
steve says:
but if reality were okay then we wouldn't need these other beliefs
steve says:
i am interested in your beliefs though
Amee says:
*nods*
steve says:
i won't think u are crazy
Amee says:
lol...some people have
Amee says:
It means a lot, though, when people don't.
Amee says:
For all I can prove, really, these could have been something like "Imaginary friends" from childhood. But I have to wonder cos it "pissed in the wind" against everything else I was being told at the time
Amee says:
If real life was perfect there would be no room for dreams...
Amee says:
ok i will email you
Amee says:
How is Mary doing now, btw? I connected with her story, sort of. Or to the feelings in the story, anyway.
steve says:
she and i haven't been talking too much
steve says:
but lately her parents were really being controlling of her
steve says:
though she is 18
Amee says:
I feel angry that she's still living with that dad of hers.
Amee says:
If I was being really vicious I'd use the term "sire" instead of "dad"...eg, just the male-who-donated-sperm
Amee says:
I use the discreet and maybe obscure sire/dam terms
Amee says:
A sire or dam may not be terrible, but they're not particularly good, either. Example: Mother turtles. They're not mean or nasty but they lay their eggs, bury them, and swim away
steve says:
lol
steve says:
k
steve says:
i am ready to scoot
steve says:
am going up to Sydney to see some friends, 15 and 12. I stayed with their family when I first got to Australia. They are both very smart, but very different from each other.
Amee says:
oki...Let 'em know they're completely valid human beings for me
steve says:
lol
steve says:
cvhb's?
Amee says:
Yup!
steve says:
lol
steve says:
okay
steve says:
well they feel valid with me....i promise
Amee says:
Good. I thought they would
steve says:
the 12 year old said she loves me yestereday and i would be a good "roll" model for her
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
i am sure u would be
steve says:
thanks. k better go...
Amee says:
ok bye! hugs
steve says:
hugs
steve says:
bye

===

Various pieces of another chat

Amee says:
Hiya...
steve says:
hey
steve says:
:)
Amee says:
:)

steve says:
did u read my belief abuse thing on my site
Amee says:
Yep, this morning
steve says:
k
Amee says:
For the most part I agree
Amee says:
You shouldn't teach a child anything that instills fear in them
Amee says:
But most people view these beliefs the same as teaching kids not to run out into heavy traffic
steve says:
yeah probably
Amee says:
Well, I think I know so - because my parents did it to me, and up until recently, I had those same feelings.
Amee says:
Parents pass on fears to their children
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
Because they think that if they don't, their child will become roadkill
steve says:
true
Amee says:
It's a very valid feeling. Like your friend, the mum who stopped hitting her kid, they think they're doing the right thing.
Amee says:
Up until an angel comes and tells them it's not, but that they can fix it

steve says:
have u written in your diary
Amee says:
One entry since last time, yeah.. Started about three since then but decided they were no good
steve says:
aw...i don't like the way that sounds! I feel robbed!
Amee says:
lol...It's just that I think if it isn't perfect, I should let it breathe for a while 'till I can express it properly.
Amee says:
I guess i don't need to be perfect... but it takes some relaxation to be like that. Having had a lot of my works criticised in the past I feel reluctant to let myself go
Amee says:
You know how critical people can be
steve says:
yeah

 

Amee says:
i feel a little afraid to be myself here... little things like the way I do this or that. I get these looks or comments sometimes and they intimidate me. I don't want to say too much because there are several of us living here, but it is just a temporary thing I and figure it is easier to just live with it for a while. And I can usually talk to Rich about things.
Amee says:
Back home tho, I could walk around in our living room naked and nobody cared. Even though they often responded equally, I could tell them what I thought. Sometimes my dad hurt me (emotionally) and confused me, but I'm sure I did the same to him. That doesn't make it ok...but at least it's something.
Amee says:
My family wasn't snide and "dignified"...they just kinda got in there and got it over with
steve says:
k
steve says:
how does rich take it when u tell him how u feel there?
Amee says:
he usually wants me to settle down ...Cos I'm american and vocal
steve says:
what do u mean settle down?
Amee says:
He says, "Yeah, I know. Everybody knows Tom's like that. It's just Tom - If you say anything to him he just gets huffy. Ignore him."
Amee says:
I feel defensive, for Rich. I don't want to close out what you say tho. I just think...he was raised like that...he's used to repeating it
steve says:
what do u mean u feel defensive for rich?
Amee says:
Well, I feel sort of like that sounds bad for him. Like he invalidates me. And I don't want it to sound like that
steve says:
is it him u are defending or yourself?
steve says:
trick question eh
Amee says:
I'm not exactly sure
Amee says:
I don't want it to sound like I invalidate him either
steve says:
are u afraid of me judging you or something like that
steve says:
or lets say how afraid 0-10
Amee says:
More just frazzled...8
Amee says:
I've not had a very good day
steve says:
u want me to stop with the hard questions?
Amee says:
No, that's ok, they probably help
steve says:
name as many feelings as u can right now
steve says:
that u currently are feeling
steve says:
and put a number by each one
steve says:
(if u want of course)
Amee says:
Defensive 9 - mostly from a conversation with somebody else...But these things bleed.
Amee says:
Worn out...small. Like I don't really properly belong here - I have to inhibit myself to fit in
Amee says:
Is there a word for that? I'm sure there would be
Amee says:
I have trouble remembering words these days. That makes me feel worried.
Amee says:
Lemme get your list on screen. That might help
steve says:
take a look at this....www.eqi.org/cnfs.htm
steve says:
tell me if that works...
Amee says:
Perfect, thanks
steve says:
k
steve says:
and probably u can add some words if i know u!
Amee says:
Thing is I'll likely take all the emotions I've felt lately and pour them on you
Amee says:
What exactly does "dehumanised" mean?
steve says:
like how the asylum seekers are being treated in australia
Amee says:
Ashamed - I haven't kept my romantic relationship perfect. I managed it during the first 6 months or so, together with Rich. Maybe it's just more difficult actually being face-to-face
Amee says:
I snap at him and don't like it
Amee says:
He does the same to me, and it really hurts
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
Disappointed. Today I wanted to go out, get out of the house...look at things, play a bit, and not have a solid plan for it in advance
Amee says:
Or I'd have at least liked to do something *with Rich* instead of sitting all day with this computer. I like the computer, and the people I meet through it, but after a while you begin to miss your *lifemate*
Amee says:
I realise I kind of let other emotions make me more aggressive towards Tom. I feel like he's a safe emotional target: I can't lash out at him, so he won't get hurt. I won't lash out at Rich if I feel aggressive towards someone else. I won't hurt myself, which otherwise I probably would (emotionally)
Amee says:
When I'm down on myself I guess you could say I get dehumanised
Amee says:
By my own feelings
Amee says:
Kinda ironic, isn't it?
steve says:
thinking
Amee says:
You forgot "inhibited" in your list
steve says:
k
steve says:
thanks
Amee says:
I didn't mean that as pointing out a fault. I just reread it and to me it sounds like that
steve says:
??
steve says:
i am confused
steve says:
what do u mean by that last entry
Amee says:
Maybe I'm just feeling overly critical of my own wording. When I said "You forgot inhibited..." I feel I should have either said "Inhibited isn't on..." or just used the word and let you pick it up
Amee says:
Rather than directly saying "YOU forgot"
steve says:
fuck amee
steve says:
u are so hard on yourself
steve says:
do u know that?
steve says:
u are so afraid of hurting others
steve says:
is it okay if i tell u that?
steve says:
how are u feeling right now?
Amee says:
Yes, it's ok
Amee says:
Refreshed. Not many people talk plainly.
steve says:
just out of curiousity
steve says:
how much do u feel loved by me
steve says:
0-10?
Amee says:
Define "love"
steve says:
no
steve says:
just answer it as u feel it
steve says:
dont get all cognitive!
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
lol
Amee says:
It's just that love means so many things.
steve says:
what is the first number that came to your mind?
Amee says:
7
steve says:
k
steve says:
or give me two or three for your different definitions of love if u want
steve says:
that might be interesting
steve says:
wanna try that?
Amee says:
Oki
Amee says:
Lemme think...
Amee says:
There's that kind of love where you look at a person and find peace...Everything they say seems new and vibrant, everything about them seems pure and clean. This is what I get with children; Something I feel very strongly about is my need to be able to say "I love children" without people making an indecent judgement
Amee says:
(Which they do, around here.)
steve says:
what do u mean
Amee says:
About which part?
steve says:
the part in parenthesis
Amee says:
Well, over here, there's a thing called "Name and Shame", where the papers report sex offenders - particularly paedophiles - with their full names and addresses right on the page
Amee says:
It tells about their offences in full detail. And it has the local community jumping out of their skin
Amee says:
You're allowed to "like" children. But any strong feelings are likely to get you marked as a "paedophile"
Amee says:
Another part of what makes me feel inhibited, basically

 

steve says:
oh i talked to our friend xxx. she told me that she is actually three years younger than what she has been saying! lol
Amee says:
lol
Amee says:
A lot of us young'uns feel the need to seem older
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
When I was 13, I stuck to being 13, but somehow felt I was treated as less valid
Amee says:
I remember a guy chatting me up online back then. It made me feel really good about myself; not many people were nice to me before then, and I'd felt unattractive and rejected
Amee says:
Then I told him my age. BOOM, he stopped talking to me, and proceeded to insult me whenever he saw me in that chatroom again.
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
i guess that is what our friend was afraid of
Amee says:
But then it was the kind of place where the word "jailbait" floated around on a regular basis, so that scared people from taking me seriously.
steve says:
yeah

Amee says:
What these young women need is someone older to to stick around, to listen to them and give them some, *unconditional love*
steve says:
yeah I see that more and more
Amee says:
Young girls are also very, very emotional creatures, and sex is one of the biggest parts of that But they need to know someone can love them without sex being an issue so they will realize they are worth more than that
steve says:
yeah, makes sense
steve says:
Amee says:
I never really got that from an older man, and I think I needed it desperately.
Amee says:
At that age, I had something similar. I wanted sex, and felt like I'd always be unloved. The closest I thought I could get was sex
Amee says:
I figured, hey...it makes them feel good in SOME way. It makes me feel wanted for a short period of time. I don't plan to live long, so why not?
Amee says:
Luckily I had terrible personal hygiene and got into cybersex instead.
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
But y'see I could've gone down a similar road to Mary. 'Cept I thought about it long and hard first
steve says:
yeah, and u were never actually sexually abused by your own father like she was
steve says:
Amee says:
true. that would destroy someone's sense of self worth. utterly destroy it.
steve says:
yeah....you know i feel lucky to know u. i get a lot out of our talks
Amee says:
I feel valued when you say that
steve says:
yeah i do value u ... a lot
steve says:
you know i really do love these people i talk to, and i want to do the right thing for them.
Amee says:
I feel like you already are
steve says:
thanks
steve says:
it helps to talk to someone who is a bit older, but can still remember how she felt. this is all so new for me. i never had any idea how sad these young women were, how much talk of suicide there was, how many cry themselves to sleep. i get overwhelmed by it is sometimes.
Amee says:
I can imagine. It is a lot to take on.
steve says:
yeah. but i dont want to burden u or make u feel responsible for my problems or happiness either.
Amee says:
I don't know if I can help that much. Maybe talking helps
steve says:
it does.... but how much do u feel responsible for my feelings right now, from 0-10?
Amee says:
0
Amee says:
Well, maybe 3.
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
Because I think friends should help eachother out a bit
Amee says:
But it's not really...responsibility
steve says:
k
steve says:
u are helping
steve says:
a lot
Amee says:
: )

steve says:
i really like
Amee says:
You do?
steve says:
yep. a lot and i admire u
Amee says:
That makes me feel...worth something
Amee says:
There's a better word, isn't there?
steve says:
lol
steve says:
dont ask me ....ask someone who collects feeling words...lol
Amee says:
but you knew what I meant, huh?
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
u know u are worth a lot
steve says:
i am just helping that feeling show itself
Amee says:
Ya know, I used to be afraid to let that feeling come out. Never wanted to admit it, because that might make me vain.
Amee says:
I didn't like that idea
steve says:
i dont like people who make kids feel vain when they are actually so special
Amee says:
Blame Disney.
Amee says:
I guess now I'm at the point where I'm not really worried about being vain.
Amee says:
It's more that I always have a goal to achieve, something I want to be
steve says:
who told u u were vain?
Amee says:
They never told me I *was*
Amee says:
But society, in general
Amee says:
It warned me against it. Disney - you know how the good, innocent princesses never know their own beauty and the evil ones are always self absorbed and cruel?
Amee says:
You know Cinderella, basically?
Amee says:
These were my role models. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc.
Amee says:
I never much liked the princess from Aladdin.
steve says:
i don't remember that story
Amee says:
It was one of the 90's ones. Her name was Jasmine and she had a pet tiger
Amee says:
She's always giving Aladdin a really hard time, because she's a princess and he's just a thief, and they've fallen in love
steve says:
k
steve says:
then what
Amee says:
It's a usual Disney thing about how the princess doesn't want to be a princess, just wants all the power of one. Runs away, falls in love with lowly thief. The thief wins her hand by getting a genie to turn him into a prince
Amee says:
But this is difficult for him because she doesn't recognise him at first and is unwilling to even talk to him
steve says:
okay i am not making the connection to u
Amee says:
lol
Amee says:
Well, I used to be really proud of things such as art or writing, and my dad would say "That's really good - just don't let it go to your head, ok?"
Amee says:
At the time I just said "OK" with a big grin. I felt happy. Not particularly insulted
steve says:
that dont let it get to your head stuff is crap
steve says:
i got that from my mom too
Amee says:
Now sometimes, I look at my art, and the art of people I look up to, and consider my inspiration at times...
Amee says:
People I learn from. And I realise I've outgrown them. I think it has to do with the fact that they get to a stage where they're doing well, feel comfortable; and I always have a faraway goal in front of me
Amee says:
It's always really sobering, and a little depressing, because I know then that I can't see their work with the same awe I used to.
steve says:
yep
steve says:
i kwym
steve says:
i have no one i look up to anymore
steve says:
not living anyhow
steve says:
and i am not sure about dead either
steve says:
does that sound "vain"?
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
Heh...no, not really vain.
Amee says:
Some people would see it that way because society doesn't like people feeling proud
steve says:
yeah well screw them
steve says:
lol
Amee says:
lol
steve says:
do i sound defiant? and rebellious?
Amee says:
You sound determined to live life in the way that you think is right
Amee says:
I fully support that
steve says:
have u seen this
steve says:
"Above all always be capable of feeling deeply any injustice against anyone anywhere in the world. This is the most beautiful quality of a revolutionary." Che Guevara.
Amee says:
no. but it is good

Later Amee is reading something on my site....

Amee says:
Reading her story...
steve says:
k, no worries, i will be here
Amee says:
Do you know how comforting that is?
steve says:
what?
Amee says:
Being told that you'll still be there. I guess I'm used to feeling abandoned
steve says:
r u serious, or kind of being dramatic...?
Amee says:
My mum used to drink. She disappeared for weeks on end.
steve says:
wow
steve says:
so u really felt comforted just by me saying that i will be here?
Amee says:
Yes!
steve says:
wow
Amee says:
See? I told you you're making a big difference for people
Amee says:
Little things count for a lot
steve says:
: )
steve says:
u are so expressive
steve says:
i need that
Amee says:
I remember one night lying on top of her so that she couldn't leave the room to sleep with a man other than my father.
Amee says:
I was about 10 or so
Amee says:
They ended up breaking my will and I let her go. Couldn't get out of the guy's house cos I couldn't find the right key...locked from the inside.
steve says:
how do u feel now when u think of that
Amee says:
Disappointed. Life was never what I thought it should be.
steve says:
yeah
Amee says:
Though I also remember that I used to fight a lot with my cousin when we lived together. Mum brought me to live with my grandparents since she and dad weren't getting along
Amee says:
Then she did her regular disappearing act
steve says:
how do u feel towards ur mom now
steve says:
and how did u feel then
Amee says:
I felt: Frustrated, angry, abandoned, hopeless, hurt, lonely. I felt suicidal a lot of times.
Amee says:
But I never really wanted to *do* it - just to be *caught*
Amee says:
I wanted to be taken seriously
Amee says:
I used to tell her that she should stop drinking, that she had a responsibility to me because I was her daughter
Amee says:
She would say "But I should have the right for a bit of fun..."
steve says:
yeah right
Amee says:
Anyway, it's just nice to know that I don't have to pin people down to know they'll be around.
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
did u have abandonent fears with your boyfriends
Amee says:
Hmm...I didn't really have any real-life boyfriends before Richard
Amee says:
But no, I wouldn't say I did.
Amee says:
I made a strong point of trusting them. You could call it "puppy love"...I saw nothing but good in them
steve says:
k
Amee says:
The difference between cats & dogs: Watching you put up wallpaper, the dog says "I don't know what you're doing, but I love you anyway." and the cat says "Pffah! You're doing that all wrong, it's hangin' down at that end and it's got bubbly bits all over..."
steve says:
lol
steve says:
so u are the puppy dog
Amee says:
Well, yeah, usually. The good thing with Rich was that he was a puppydog too
Amee says:
So I never got my nose smacked with a rolled up newspaper
steve says:
lol
steve says:
hey i am going to take a little nap
Amee says:
Oki, you take care of yourself
steve says:
k
steve says:
u too
Amee says:
TTYL
steve says:
good luck with the flatmates
Amee says:
lol
steve says:
bye